RR - 021: Femme Fatale

Femme Fatale: A femme fatale is a mysterious and seductive woman whose charms ensnare her lovers in bonds of irresistible desire, often leading them into compromising, dangerous, and deadly situations.

Source: Wikipedia

Femme Fatale (introduced in RR – 012: Of Hot Potatoes and Doomed Capers – Part II) was, as the name suggested, quite ensnaring. She was of medium height, had a good figure and was an excellent dancer. But the ensnaring stuff was more to do with her persona rather than her physical attributes. The trick was in making her intended target feel that he was the most important person for her in the world. She could charm a stray dog into wearing a leash so as to say - and in a way, that’s what she usually managed to do.

The Conquerors only came into contact sporadically with her during the course of their adventures, but that little was enough to make them quite wary of her……well, some of them atleast. Their first brush with her came through Ladykiller. As mentioned earlier, his strategy to woo chicks was to study with the guys and then teach the girls. And so, before Ladykiller and Madame became “friends”, Femme Fatale, Sidekick 1 and Sidekick 2 used to hang out a lot in Ladykiller, Aurangzeb and The Consultant’s room (during assignment solving times atleast). This used to make Aurangzeb and The Consultant most uncomfortable and hence they used to go and take “shelter” so as to say with Sambaji and The Buffer in their room.

And these attentions of Femme Fatale were most definitely not appreciated by Madame as she was also vying for Ladykiller at that point of time. As a result, there were some not so nice vibes between Madame and Femme Fatale and all this reached boiling point when they had gone out clubbing one Saturday night. Madame, Femme Fatale, Shivaji, Sambaji, The Buffer and The Knight were all in attendance.

Madame was in a hot black backless number, while Femme Fatale had gone in for a red, off the shoulder one. And the competiton started as soon as they hit the dance floor. First, Madame did the salsa with Ladykiller. But just as they finished, Femme Fatale grabbed him and did the tango with him. They glared at each other, snide remarks were passed, but round 1 had ended even stevens.

They then tried the jealousy route in round 2. Madame danced with Shivaji and Sambaji, Femme Fatale with The Buffer and The Knight. This, they hoped, would evoke latent pangs of jealousy in him.

Ladykiller at that point was confused……………..and rightly so!!! He found himself torn between choosing from the frying pan and the fire. The game at this point was very much in the balance but just when it seemed that things would end up in a tie, Madame acted. Madame ofcourse was a past master at dealing with fatal femme’s and when her competitor had gone to use the powder room (to reapply the facial ministrations which had worn a bit thin due to her physical exertions) she took Ladykiller outside on the pretext of a smoke and what she did thence has been a mystery till date but from that point of time he was confused no more. He repeatedly and continuously gave Femme Fatale the cold shoulder till she gave up (grudgingly ofcourse).

Their next brush with her came during one of the many Saturday nights that they used to go out partying. The Conquerors had invited Gengis Khan and Mel B to go out clubbing with them. But Gengis (who had a roving eye to put it delicately) somehow managed to ensure that Mel B did not come along and instead managed to get Femme Fatale and Sidekick 1 with him. And enroute to the party, Shivaji and Gengis managed to detach themselves from the main pack(with the chicks ofcourse) and reach an alternate party scene much to Sambaji’s dismay. They ofcourse had a very good time there but claimed to have had temporary amnesia whenever quizzed about it later on by the others. But Sambaji had his revenge the next day when he “innocently” asked Mel B about her whereabouts of the previous night and in return conveyed theirs and then sat back and enjoyed the firing that she gave her lesser half.

Their final brush with Femme Fatale came during something known as the “Committee Selection Week”. As mentioned previously, there were a lot of Clubs in LLM (La La Land of Management for the uninitiated). Everybody used to vie to be on the Committee of these Clubs. Why? Not because it was a paid position. But because of the fact that it was just one more thing to put in your CV and gas about in the interview when the corporates came calling.

Femme Fatale was assessing her options before the selections started. The Marketing Club was out as Madame was on it. Mel B had ensured that Gengis would not be able to select her into the Party Club. Finance was beyond the realm of her sensibilities and The Humanly Resourceful Club did not have any guys on it that she could charm into selecting her. That left only one club in the reckoning. And that was The Ops Club. And it had MAC (Moron with A hot Chick) on it. Now, as the name suggests, MAC was a rather obscure personality, redeemed only by the fact that he had a hot girlfriend. And so, thought Femme Fatale, here was a very good opportunity to show MAC that the grass was greener on the other side.

The entire college had gone for a beach party on one of the many beaches dotting the landscape in La La Land. And for those who have led a sheltered life, let me tell you that beaches, booze and babes is a very dangerous combination indeed. As MAC was soon to find out. He had had a few too many jolly ones and upon hitting the dance floor for the umpteenth time (minus the gf this time) was pounced upon by Femme Fatale. And yes, she followed the salsa, tango routine again with the cha cha cha thrown in for good measure.

MAC was floored. Not by the dancing skills exhibited by Femme Fatale but due to a lusty blow smack in the face from his furious girlfriend, who promptly dragged him home from the party. Ladykiller was shell shocked. Had he backed the wrong…….ummm…..filly in this particular race he wondered? Shivaji and Sambaji sat agape. They were hoping that she would take the jealousy route again to woo MAC with them as props in it.

What happened next???

Unfortunately for Femme Fatale, she did not manage to get onto the committee of any of the clubs due to the above mentioned misdeeds and misdemeanours. She did however manage to ensnare Gassy (who could spew marketing jargon like the fumes emitted by a poorly combusted lorry) and went off the market shortly. Gassy, needless to say, was in an eminent position in college and had hence attracted interest from Femme Fatale.

Ladykiller and Madame became very close “friends” leading to future scandals like the one with the crashing clock among others.

Gengis and Mel split up leading to Mel starting to hang out with The Conquerors (who always welcomed any form of company with open arms provided it was of the fairer sex).

MAC and his girlfriend managed to kiss and make up post the furore created by Femme Fatale (aided by much groveling and begging on the part of MAC)

Aurangzeb and The Consultant were finally able to get back to their room and live happily ever after (well, not for long, as Madame soon landed up there)

The Conquerors, led ably by Shivaji and Sambaji, started immediately plotting on acquiring their next target.

Note:

1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.

2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 020: Of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - Part III

When Dwarf 3 entered the fray:

Midway through the first year’s course, The Party Club (whose KRA was obviously to organize parties and outings for the entire college) organized a trek to a waterfall located somewhere in the heart of La La Land. Shivaji, who had been roped into organizing the trek, came and broke the news to The Conquerors.

The Buffer groaned. He had eaten himself badly out of shape to go off on such jaunts. Sambaji sighed. He had even started going to the bar opposite the college on his bike of late. Aurangzeb was worried, would they be able to get back in time to finish their assignment for the next day’s lecture he wondered.

At this point, Shivaji got really pissed off with all of them. “Don’t behave like sissies” he said. “Just imagine: blue skies, a gentle breeze, flowing water, peaceful surroundings……………………..and ninety chicks accompanying us!!! If even one of them twist’s their ankle by accident, we will be on the spot to play good Samaritans and win the day”

While not wanting to calculate the probability of Shivaji’s fantasy coming true, The Conquerors, free spirits that they were, all got ready for this arduous trip. They got up at the crack of dawn, did their morning routine of pushups, crunches and the ten kilometer jog and were the first one’s to reach the bus………well not quite…….lets just suffice it to say that they all just managed to get onboard before it left them behind.

And so, off got down from the bus, Shivaji, Sambaji, The Buffer, Aurangzeb, The Knight, Ladykiller and The Consultant. The Organising Committee addressed the not so jolly group of trekkers and informed them that their destination was a mere five kilometer ascent. Sambaji immediately sat down. “I think I’ve sprained my ankle” he said. Shivaji gave him a kick and said “Buddy, the good samaritan part is applicable only to the chicks, so lets go”.

After a half hour of panting, groaning and falling over rocks, creepers and muck, they finally stopped to catch their breath. And it was then that The Knight spotted something out of the ordinary. “Who’s that hanging around Snow White?” he said. That’s when the rest of them saw ‘The Saint’.

So let’s go back a little and introduce The Saint. The Saint, unlike the legendary character of Simon Templar as created by Leslie Charteris was no Robin Hood who liked to steal from the greedy and give it to the needy. In fact, he was quite the opposite. He was extremely religious (hence the name) and used to get up every morning and after having a bath (which was not that common on campus) faithfully recite the Hanuman Chalisa without fail. His life revolved around Finance. Bonds, LC’s, P/E ratios, Escrow accounts, you name it and he would provide information about it by the hatful. But he had strictly sworn himself off the fairer sex. Mind over…………..errr………..matter, and all that kind of stuff.

Hence, seeing him with Snow White caused an even greater flutter in The Conqueror’s camp. “Let’s close in on them and try to figure out what’s happening” suggested Shivaji. And so forgetting all about sprained ankles, rocks, creepers and muck, they quickly closed in on their target and started eavesdropping on their conversation. The right motivation can indeed work wonders!!!

The Saint was reciting a “financial shayari” for Snow White and it went somewhat like this:

Bin bole tumhare dil ki RTGS mere dil tak pahunch jati hai

LC (Letter of Credit) mein dooriyan bhi mit jati hai

bas aisehi mujhe tumhare Escrow Account mein samhaye rakhna

P/E (Pyaar to Enmity) ratio ka ye karava hamesha banaye rakhna…

“What’s this ‘crow’ this fellow is referring to?” asked a puzzled Shivaji. “The one whose droppings are S shaped in nature” wisecracked Aurangzeb. “Shhh” scolded The Knight who was trying to figure out what all this was leading to.

“Wow, that’s some heavy duty shayari dude” said Snow White. “Thanks” said The Saint. “It’s come about because of the two great inspirations of my life, Mirza Ghalib and Finance. Would you care for some more?”

“Ummm………………well……………..I would love to but I think my group is calling me” saying which Snow White managed to get away.

“Where the hell did this guy come from?” thundered The Buffer. “I think I might be able to throw some light on this” said Aurangzeb. A couple of days back, when Aurangzeb, Snow White and their group had been trying to solve their Finance Assignment, they had come across some difficulty in interpreting all the financial mumbo jumbo. Someone in the group had suggested that they meet with The Saint and get some gyaan from him. As he was reputed to be concise and to the point while explaining such stuff, they hoped to get back in double quick time and finish off the assignment quickly. However, he seemed to take an interminably long time to explain the basic fundas to them, not helped by the fact that he wanted to take a coffee break in between and quote Mirza Ghalib. This irritated Aurangzeb no end, as it caused him to miss a crucial Champions League match in which his favourite team was participating.

“Well, I guess it’s pretty clear” said Sambaji. “We have another dwarf in the making”. This statement caused all The Conquerors to rub their hands in glee. Why? Not because they were gay. But because of the fact that they had seen a look of longing in Snow White’s eyes when The Saint was reciting Mirza Ghalib to her. That look which indicated a desire to strangle him till he could Mirza no more.

And the moment when he became the third dwarf wasn’t very far away. In fact it occurred the very next day.

Snow White was just exiting the girl’s hostel when she found The Saint lying in wait for her. “Could I have a word with you in private Show White” asked The Saint. “Not if it’s about Mirza’s” said a horrified Snow White. “While Im sure that these shayari have their finer points, I have failed to quite find out what they are as yet”. “No, no it’s not about that” said The Saint hurriedly. And then he went on to explain his feelings for her.

“Remember the shayari I recited to you during the trek?” asked The Saint. “Not really” said Snow White. “Well, anyways, I composed that keeping you in mind” said The Saint. “We can create a whole new Financial System together. You can be the “drawee” and I will be the “drawer” and I shall keep writing you passionate cheques for all eternity”

Snow White took a moment to digest this overdose of financial terminology. But as seen earlier too, she could be sarcastically witty when she wanted to. So she said “Im sure that you would love to be the “drawer” but since your escrow account has defaulted on your payment, I deeply regret to inform you that your cheque has bounced!!!” saying which she walked away leaving a stunned Dwarf behind.

To be continued………

Note:
1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.
2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.