RR - 028: When Bob got Directly Marketed

This is an incident which happened with Bob when he was working Down South. Bob was staying on rent in an apartment which was situated on Level 3 in an apartment complex.

Now, the three levels were very hierarchial and had three distinctly differing types of inhabitants.

Level 1 had families, Level 2 had those who were beyond the point of making families and Level 3 had those who were yet to make families – and all three stuck strictly to their type.

The Level 1’s had their noisy get-together's with kiddie parties and in-depth discussions of school report cards and the abysmal state in which our current education system found itself floundering in.

The Level 2’s used to have their quiet cuppa’s and discuss their various ailments, how things were not the same as they were in their heydays and how the young generation were spoilt silly (read Level 3)

The Level 3’s considered themselves as the cool dudes and dudettes. There were Thomson and Thompson (one could not stop talking while the other had “starting problem”) and Mary Kom (a left jab, a right hook followed by the Vushi finger hold if you got on the wrong side of her) and then of course there was Bob.

They used to hang out and smoke up and drink to their heart’s content and in general create quite a nuisance for the rest of the Level’s. The Level 1’s and the Level 2’s did their best to disrupt the Level 3 parties and figuratively “knock them off their f****n perch” through frequent complaints and guidance but found that it did not seem to have much effect much to their utter dismay.

And so, everything was good and they were all living happily and making hay while the sun shone and so on and so forth till one day there was a cross connection involving Bob (of-course)

Now, due to the nature of his work, Bob used to frequently travel all over South India and hence did not spend as much time as the other Levelers in the apartment complex. Hence, he was not very involved in the revelries frequented by the other Level 3’s and as such even more insulated from the other Level’s.

Therefore, he was very surprised one day when he picked up a call from an unknown number (taking calls from unknown numbers and investing in alcobev stocks were two things that Bob strongly believed against but hey you get to make a mistake occasionally). It was one of the ladies from the aforementioned Level 1’s who shall hereafter be called Rekha and the conversation went something like this.   

Rekha: Hi, is this Bob?

Bob: Yes, and this is?

Rekha: This is Rekha?

Bob: The actress (disbelievingly)

Rekha: No, you chump, Rekha from Level 1

Bob: Ummm Hi Rekha (knew that was too good to be true)

Rekha: How are you?

Bob: Im doing good Madam (wondering what she was calling to complain about)

Rekha: I was just calling as I wanted to get to know everyone in our complex better

Bob: Oh, how nice (only been a couple of years Ive been here now !!!)

Rekha: So, what do you do?

Bob: I work in La La Spirits

Rekha: Lovely, that must be quite a supernatural experience then?

Bob: Excuse me???

Rekha: You know, spirits and the afterlife and all that stuff

Bob: Madam, we are into alcoholic spirits strictly for the living

Rekha: Oh, well I’m sure that’s quite interesting too!!!

And so, Bob fielded a lot of mundane questions including how long have you been with them, where are you from, do you travel a lot, etc etc.  And just as Bob was wondering where this was leading to, she cut right to the point:

Rekha: BTW, I heard that your bathroom was clogged the other day and you were facing unclogging issues

Bob: Oh Yes, I did (wondering if she was insinuating something here)

Rekha: You should use this brilliant unclogging powder available at the neighboring Chemist

Bob: I will definitely use it Madam

Rekha: Okay then, cheerio, nice speaking to you, ta ta

Bob: Bye bye (completely befuddled)

After a couple of weeks, Rekha called again (Bob being smart had saved her number the last time around)

Rekha: Hi Bob, how are you

Bob: Hi Madam

Rekha: Are you at home? I saw your car parked in the parking lot

Bob: No Madam (thankfully), Im in Biryani Land

Rekha: Oh, I see

Bob: Anything in particular you wanted to discuss Madam (maybe this is what a mid life crisis feels like)

Rekha: I had a business proposition for you

Bob: tell me (phew, so this was what its about)     

Rekha: Would you like to make a lot of money by investing just a little bit upfront

Bob: I wouldn’t mind hearing about it (sounds like a scam)

Rekha: Why don’t we meet at the CCD on La La road this weekend then? I will call my business associates too.

Bob: Sure Madam, see you this weekend.

Now, Bob always liked to pit his wits against others and see if he could come out on top. And hence he was looking forward quite eagerly to the meeting over the weekend. And so, at the appointed hour, Bob stepped into the CCD and saw Rekha with her associate whom she introduced as Katappa. Now, Katappa, as the name suggests was tall and hefty with a clean-shaven head and luxurious facial hair.   He began by using all possible kinds of complex jargon's, moved on to even more complicated mathematical derivations and finally gave Bob the clincher…………………. how he could become a millionaire by enrolling, it was going to be a cinch!!!

But, a decade in the corporate world had if nothing else made Bob a habitual cynic. Hence, he was not at all convinced and concluded the meeting by saying he was not interested but would however give it some more thought.

Rekha told him that they needed his decision withing 48 hours and that they would meet up again for the concluding meeting. While Bob was quite clear that he was not interested in this direct marketing gimmick, he however did not want to piss her off (with him being a Level 3 and her being a Level 1 and all that) and hence decided to go for the meeting. This time it was in a different coffee shop and had Rekha, Katappa and Elvis along whom she introduced as Katappa’s Boss.

Elvis: Hey Bro, how’s it going?

Bob: All good here (Bro???)

Elvis: I just love Bangalore even though Im from Coorg

Bob: That’s interesting, lots of Coorgi’s around

Elvis: Eh, how so

Bob: Well, your from Coorg, Katappa said he’s from Coorg the last time around, I gather even Rekha is from Coorg, hell even my landlady is from Coorg!!!

Elvis (a little uncomfortably): Oh, I see, quite a coincidence, but anyways this is a great opportunity for you to make a killing, this is a sure shot thing. I hired Katappa a couple of years back and he’s now a millionaire.

Bob: But Katappa said that he’s been with you guys for a year?

Elvis: Eh? Umm Im sure Katappa is mistaken, time really flies in this line of work you know (glaring at Katappa). So, would you like to reconsider your position?

Before Bob could reply, a waiter appeared at the table with a chocolate truffle pastry and a large dollop of ice cream. Elvis said that they hadn’t ordered it and asked him to take it back. But the waiter said that this was sent for Bob by Mr. Walrus.

A little background: Walrus was a vendor who worked with Bob. While entering the coffee shop, Bob bumped into him at the takeaway counter and after some idle chitchat understood that Walrus was a regular here as he loved their stuff and knew the owner as well. And hence, as soon as the pastry landed up on their table, Bob realized that this would have been sent across by Walrus as a nice gesture. However, using his inherent cunning and shrewdness, Bob immediately used it to his advantage as follows:

Bob: Actually, this pastry has been sent by the owner of this coffee shop

Elvis What??? (incredulously)

Bob: Yes, I love their stuff and know the owner as well and so I guess he sent a token of his appreciation (lol to himself)

The meeting ended within 60 seconds after that. Elvis concluding that Bob was a big shot if he knew the owner of a random coffee shop they had called to con him and decided to try for pastures anew. Katappa too took leave saying he had another meeting. Rekha said that she needed to look after her kids and buggered off.

So, Bob enjoyed his pastry and the ice-cream at peace, laughed quietly to himself and then headed off for adventures afresh!!!

Note:


1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.

2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 027: When Bob got pimped (well, almost)

While doing his trawls through the beyond and the back of the beyond, Bob landed up in Biryani Land for a month with two colleagues who will hereafter be called Veeru and Jai.

Now, while most things were good about the La La Spirits training program, providing accommodation to the trainees was not one of the high points. Therefore, even though most of the stints were 30-45 days long, accommodation was provided only for 15 days leaving the blessed souls to do jugaad for the rest of the duration of their stay.

Herein lay the problem. Who in their right mind would want to rent out their place to three bachelor boys for 15 days when there were far better options available. So, Bob, Veeru and Jai put their heads together and came up with a plan. They would go through all the listings in the major newspapers and con an owner into a sweet deal (yes you guessed right, magicbricks, nestaway, 99acres et all had not made their advent then)

After a futile couple of hours where they realized that the house owners were not as dumb as they had thought (and conversely, they too were not as smart as they had imagined) they chanced upon an advertisement which spoke about letting out a room in a furnished apartment in a prime locality in Biryani Land. The asking rate was 50 smackers a month. Very quickly the trio got into overdrive and called up the owner who was very keen to discuss financials with them and invited them to his house in the evening.

Scarcely believing their good fortune and very confident in their negotiation skills (two Madu’s and a Mangalorean make a lethal combo when you think about it) they met up with the owner. The owner said he was a phillum producer and also had quite a few properties which he let out on rent for some additional moolah. After a long duel they managed to bring down the rent to 20 smackers for a month and got breakfast and dinner included as well. Very proud of their smart work, they immediately shifted into their one room in the 4 BHK house that the owner used to let out.

Now, the house was splendidly built. There was a posh sofa set in the hall with a 40-inch TV and the one bedroom that the three of them were to share had an AC and comfortable beds. There was a servant who brought them their breakfast and dinner and there was quite a big kitchen to heat up stuff etc. One thing however that puzzled them was that the other three bedrooms in the house were locked. They had been told that these were occupied by individuals who travelled quite a lot across the State/ Country. But when none of them had made an appearance even after a week, the boys found it a little strange but didn’t pay any further attention to it.

And so, it had been a week, things were good, life was chugging along and Bob, Veeru and Jai had gotten quite comfortable with their routine of getting up in the morning, the servant bringing their breakfast, getting ready and going to work and then having dinner post coming back from work. Many days they would step out after office for a few chugs of the good stuff and thus reach back quite late, have dinner and crash. In fact they were so happy with the brilliant arrangements they had jugadofied that they had even boasted to the rest of the trainees that they need not search for accommodation and could continue the lease once they left.

Then, as always, came the twist in the tale. One fine day, Jai made a startling discovery. It all began with a headache. Jai, being from one of those old, aristocratic families from Bongland was not used to the gallivanting all day in the hot sun that his trainee sales profile called for. Hence after about a week, he was quite fed up of it, had a mild headache which he magnified appropriately and came back early from work with happy notions of lounging on the aforementioned comfy sofa, sipping on some chilled beer and watching a movie on the telly.

So as soon as he got home he got into his burgundy pajamas (yes, you read that right) opened a couple of cans of the frothy stuff and put on the idiot box on full volume and gave a loud sigh of relief. It felt so good to get away from selling those stuffy spirits in the strong mid-afternoon sun. But after a bit of the enjoyment, he heard some noises emanating from one of the rooms. Thinking that the servant might be around, he went to check but the other three rooms still appeared to be locked. Cursing himself for his overactive imagination he got back to his Bollywood Beats. But, a few moments later, he again thought he heard some noises in one of the bedrooms. Determined to get to the bottom of it, he went and knocked on the door of the room which had caught his attention. Whatever noises had been coming suddenly went silent. Shrugging to himself he got back to his entertainment but much to his shock a few minutes later, the door of the room under question opened and out walked a couple and quickly left the house without so much as giving him a second look.

This sudden appearance of the strange couple startled Jai no end and he messaged Veeru and Bob to come back early from work. When the duo got back after a couple of hours, he narrated the entire incident to them only leaving out the severity of the headache which was not pertinent to the narrative.

While all three had led sheltered lives and would probably go on to have blameless futures, phillum producers and strange couples in bedrooms was not something to be taken lightly. This seemed like a Hotel Decent kind of a situation (aka the hindi movie Jab We Met). After strategizing, mitigation theories and all those kind of things, they finally decided that the best way to get to the bottom of this was to get hold of the servant and get the truth out of him. So that evening when he came with their dinner, they cornered him and harangued him till he spilled the beans. Their Hotel Decent suspicions were indeed true!!!

The next two weeks turned out to be quite uncomfortable for the trio as having paid the monthly rent in advance they were in a fix. Getting alternative accommodation as they knew was not the easiest of tasks in the city. So, they started leaving early for work and coming back late to ensure that they spent the minimum amount of time in the house. For the last week of their stay they managed to plead with the Admin guy in office and got accommodation in their company guesthouse and thus got out of the rented flat in double quick time and then heaved a sigh of relief!!!

Hotel Decent’s and strange couples could be quite trying on the nerves and they were happy to escape unscathed.

Note:


1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.

2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 026: Something about Bob

Bob had studied along with Shivaji, Sambaji, Aurangzeb, The Knight and The Buffer (aka The Conquerors) at The LLM (The La La Land of Management).

Bob was somewhat similar to Aurangzeb in terms of his innocent looks but did not share his Machiavellian nature. In between his strict liquid diet consisting of Feni shots, Romanov and Old Monk he had managed to have an eddication at LLM and hence got through to La La Spirits through his campus placement.

Now, La La Spirits had a very nice training program in which they made all the new joinees trawl through the length and breadth of India so that they could get up close and personal with the spirit loving masses of the country. What did Bob do? He trawled along with the rest of the new joinees and just about managed to complete the training program and got his first role in La La Spirits. And that is where he encountered his first Boss, Red Rackham.

So, who was Red Rackham? Red Rackham was tall and thin with a straggly greying beard and used to think of himself as a modern manager (whatever that meant). He was a senior guy and a lifer at La La Spirits and had risen through the ranks.  He was a workaholic, suffered from an inferiority complex and also had this sadistic streak which Bob was soon to discover. Quite a jolly fellow on the whole then.

After working for a couple of months with Red Rackham, Bob encountered some of his aforementioned qualities. There was a reunion planned at LLM and Bob was eager to meet up with The Conquerors and his other comrades and thus went up to Red Rackham and requested for a day’s leave on the following Thursday. Friday was a holiday for Holi and he would therefore be back in office on Monday.

Red Rackham sanctioned his leave immediately and even enquired into the reason for it seemingly innocently whereupon Bob shared with him his grandiose reunion plans. It was not till much later that the real reason for this enquiry dawned upon Bob. The weekend came and went and on Monday Red Rackham casually asked him when exactly was he going on leave and Bob said Thursday.  On Tuesday, Red Rackham again unconcernedly asked him as to the day of his leave. Bob was a bit puzzled but again replied that it was from the coming Thursday. On Wednesday, Red Rackham reconfirmed his leave for the next day and Bob as had become the norm confirmed it again.

By now, Bob was sensing real trouble. Being of Mangalorean descent, some of the genetic cunning and shrewdness which that race has been blessed with had trickled down to him as well. Therefore on the stroke of 5.30 on Wednesday, Bob left office and caught a train to his residence. He reached home by 7 pm and just as he was packing his bags to be ready for his 9 pm bus, his phone rang.

It was Red Rackham. He enquired into Bob’s well being and then asked him where he was. Fortunately Bob had the POM (Presence of Mind) probably attributable to the aforesaid Mangalorean qualities to say that he was already on the bus to La La Land. Red Rackham gave a sigh and went on and the conversation went something like this:

Red Rackham: I am very sorry buddy but we have a situation here (yes it was buddy and not bro back then)

Bob: Tell me Sir

Red Rackham: Some urgent work has come up and I was hoping that you could cancel your holiday

Bob: Silence

Red Rackham: Hullo, Hullo, Hullo, Bob are you there?

Bob: Sir, I would have gladly cancelled my holiday but unfortunately am already on the bus and err you know and all that (silently congratulating himself on his quick wittedness)

Red Rackham: that’s really sad, we need to mitigate this situation (frickin liar this Bob, aint as innocent as he looks)

Bob: Hullo, Hullo, Hullo

Red Rackham: Are you there? (bloody bugger)

Bob: Yes Sir, I can hear you now, range is a little low probably as I am travelling (real smooth)

Red Rackham: Why don’t you do one thing?

Bob: Tell me Sir

Red Rackham: You will reach La La Land tomorrow morning, you can meet your friends and then take the evening bus and come back. We can then meet in office on Saturday (gotcha)

Bob: Hullo, Hullo, Hullo (should I cut the call and switch on airplane mode?)

Red Rackham: Bob, please confirm

Bob: Errr, you see, ummm, I say, let me reach La La Land and figure this out

Red Rackham: Okie, ta ta, have fun!!!

What did Bob do? He reached La La Land, switched off his phone and partied with The Conquerors for the next four days and got back to office on Monday morning. Fortunately for him, the matter ended with a tongue lashing from Red Rackham and work went on as usual.

Note:


1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.

2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters. 

RR - 025: Of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - Part 4

Dwarf 4:

Dwarf 4 joined the Conqueror’s when they were in their first term at La La Land. Shivaji, Sambaji, Aurangzeb, The Buffer, The Consultant, Ladykiller and The Knight were joined by Jack (the Ripper). Now Jack hailed from the eastern parts of India and while overall a nice guy was at that stage in life when adolescence meets adulthood. And as such was very susceptible to the charms of the fairer sex.

And it was during one of the times when he was hanging out with The Conqueror’s that he chanced upon Snow White. Snow White was ofcourse following her daily routine, which was………….you guessed right …………. making friends across campus, doing assignments with Aurangzeb and hanging out with B Company. And the moment he set eyes on her, the heart did a somersault, the knees did their customary weakening, the brain circuits went fuzzy and lo and behold…………he was dwarfed.

But how now was this young chappie with not much experience of wooing the young ladies supposed to go about professing his love? The solution came to him exactly seven and a half seconds after he started thinking about it. He needed an agony aunt. So he started a SWOT analysis of the options available to him:

1. Shivaji: Shivaji was like the aunt who caused agony rather than one who was able to solve it. So he was ruled out immediately.

2. Sambaji: Sambaji could have been a good choice but he was also dropped by Jack due to a possibility of a conflict of interest at a later stage.

3. The Knight: Wrong option. He was inclined to gallop towards damsels in distress and ride off with them into the sunset and this did not suit Jack’s purpose at all.

4. Ladykiller: Yeah right!!!

5. Aurangzeb: The number one candidate as he used to do his project assignments with Snow White and could be relied on for some insider information.

6. The Buffer: The backup option. He was good at giving advice but whether following it would lead Jack to the top of the beanstalk needed further retrospection.

So he approached Aurangzeb with the proposition of becoming his agony aunt:

Jack: Aurangzeb buddy, got a minute to spare?

Aurangzeb: Yeah sure

Jack: I am in love with Snow White

Aurangzeb: Ok

Jack: You don’t seem surprised at this revelation

Aurangzeb: Well, I have been observing you gaping at her with a lovelorn puppy look on your face for the past few days and hence your confession wasn’t as earth shattering as you might have expected.

Jack: So what do you think my next move should be?

Aurangzeb: If you think she reciprocates your………errr………..love……….go right ahead and ask her out

Jack: And if not?

Aurangzeb: Then don’t

Jack: Is that all you have to suggest? Dosnt seem to be much of a strategy to me

Aurangzeb: Dude, Im Aurangzeb. I don’t go out conquering new lands. You are asking the wrong guy here

Jack: But you are in the same project group as her. I thought you would be able to give me some valuable insights.

Aurangzeb: (Grunts absentmindedly while scouring the net for football news)

Seeing Aurangzeb’s very apparent lack of interest in his love life, he then made a mitigation plan and approached the backup option…………..The Buffer!!!

When Jack entered The Buffer’s room, he saw that The Buffer was lying on his bed like Cleopatra, covered from head to toe with a chaddar and deeply engrossed in watching something on his laptop which by the nature of sounds emanating from it sounded like it belonged to the “A rated” genre.

“Dude, I desperately need your help” said Jack. The Buffer (very graciously) shut down his laptop and gave him his undivided attention. Jack enunciated his dilemma to The Buffer, pointedly highlighting Aurangzeb’s deficiencies in devising strategies and outlining his hope that The Buffer would do better.

“Footwear” said The Buffer with a wise look on his face. “Eh???” said Jack now thoroughly puzzled. “Do you mean to say that I should gift her a pair of shoes?” he asked.

“No, you dumbass” said The Buffer. “Footwear maketh the lady. Let me explain. The type of gear that she has on her feet gives an insight into her personality. Flats indicate Rani Mukherjee, pumps mean Priyanka Chopra and stilettos…………oooohhh Mallika Sherawat!!!”

After a lot of discussions, arguments and counter arguments, they finally agreed that Snow White was in the Rani Mukherjee category – this indicated a stable and well balanced personality as per Bufferonomics.
And hence they finalized that a book would be the ideal gift for her. The next day, after trawling through a lot of bookstores in La La land, Jack selected “Maximum City” by Suketu Mehta, had it gift wrapped and went in search of Snow White. After locating her on campus, he took her away to a discreet corner and gifted her the above mentioned with the following inscription:

For the damsel who loves maximum city,

Whose heart has the maximum kindness,

A token of my maximum love,

Hoping you too love me to the maximum,

Love, Jack.

Snow White saw the inscription with a feeling of déjà vu, scribbled a note of her own below the one written by Jack and walked away. It read:

The maximum we can be is just friends!!!

And therein ended the story for Dwarf 4.

Note:


1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.

2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 024: Interlude in Aurangzeb's First Date: As Narrated

While the narrative mentioned earlier was ofcourse the main course of my first date (RR - 001,2,3), there was an accompaniment to it also. It all happened like this.

My first few days in campus were in the “please everybody” mode. I wanted to be friends with everybody, be a part of all the fun and enjoy my MBA to the fullest. And it was in this mode that I attended the first meeting of the “Party Club”. The job description of this club could be described in two words………. arrange parties. Why they needed to call a meeting to explain that was beyond comprehension, but we all found ourselves attending this meeting one night.

Now this meeting was chaired by my soon to be first date, Guddi Maruti. Lets call her Maruti from here on (not like an alto but more like the unswift). As can be probably guessed from her name, she was tall and well rounded. She redefined the meaning of “curves”. But I digress here. She was quite a dominating figure and held the audience in sway while decoding the job description of her club. But after getting claps for the number of parties they planned to arrange and groans for the amount of moolah they planned to extract, she announced that there would be a competition in which Mr and Miss LLM (La La Land of Management) would be decided. You needed to perform in front of the entire college to qualify for this title. And so, true to my “please everybody” mode I started racking my brains on what it was that I would do at the competition.

Some of us fall into the multi talented bracket (we can sing, dance, mimic, play musical instruments etc). The rest of us dread these social occasions wherein we are forced to perform and fear making a fool out of ourselves. I fell in this second category. As I couldn’t sing, dance, mimic or play a musical instrument, I was restricted to telling jokes as the safest form of getting away by participating in the competition. But after googling for a couple of days, I had yet to find something suitable. It was difficult to find something funny and witty and yet at the same time non vulgar. As the start of the evening approached ever closer, I began to get more and more desperate and resorted to asking people to narrate any funny jokes that they knew and would be suitable for the occasion. But it was all to no avail.

But lots of times in life, it happens that when you have all but given up and resigned yourself to your fate that things suddenly seem to fall into place and you find that elusive solution. I was hanging out with a group of my friends who were planning to do a skit (yes, I had asked them for an insignificant role but had been summarily rejected) and while watching them rehearse, something struck me and I went and blurted it out.

It went something as follows:

Main hoon Mumbai ka kela,
Lamba, patla, sundar aur sudol,
But you got to remember,
If you peel me,
You can feel me.

Seemed like a good mix of where I hailed from, my physical attributes and some wit and humour (albeit a bit vulgar). After I recited the first couple of lines, there were cheers and claps, but there was a significant pause after the last two lines and much to my surprise – louder cheers and claps after I had finished. Feeling happy that I had managed to get through this without making an ass out of myself, I spent the next day feeling quite pleased with myself until I glanced at the notice board in the evening and much to my surprise found that I had qualified for round 2. This brought back with it an unexpected headached wherein I was back to square 1 and trying to figure out what it is that I was going to perform with my limited skill sets. But here again one of my friends turned to be my savior. He used to watch “Laughter Challenge” on television. In one particular episode, one of the contestants had given a great performance and he proceeded to explain it to me – keeping my modest skills in mind ofcourse.

The meat of the performance was as under:
1. Use a chair as a prop
2. Place your backside on the chair and ask the audience to interpret your action
3. Explain to them that “tumne tashreef rakhi hai”
4. Sing some love songs by asking the audience to mentally replace the word “dil” with “tashreef”

And that is exactly what I proceeded to do. Even with my atrocious singing skills, it turned out to be extremely hilarious and I found myself among the final four contesting for the fresher’s crown. At this point of time I truly gave up on the competition and resigned myself to my fate. I could not bear doing any further google searches or chasing people for funny quotes.

The final round was scheduled at the fresher’s party the following Saturday. I have ofcourse already described my date in some detail earlier. But somewhere after my date interrogating me and some good Samaritans disabling her salsa skills and thus saving me, I had my final round of the competition.

After toasting the retirement of my date due to external influences, I had been enjoying the party to the fullest and was feeling quite nice and happy when suddenly I felt someone tapping me on the shoulder and dragging me along for the final round. It was a senior who was on the selection committee.

I was made to sit next to a nice looking chick (Dumb Blonde 3, referred to hereon as DB 3) who was awaiting her turn to be quizzed for Miss LLM and spent some nice moments conversing with her. For a good looking chick, she was very approachable and smart to talk to and I atleast had a very pleasant time chatting with her about stuff from here and there – which is what one does when interacting with good looking strangers (it was only later that I was to find out that she was completely sloshed at that time, never remembered that conversation and rarely spoke to me ever after.)

Anyway, after a few moments of conversing with DB 3, I was summoned and asked to sit before the committee. I had to choose the person from whom I wanted to take the question. Since the choice was between a guy and a gal, being a normal guy I asked the chick to ask away. And there started my misadventure:

“If you were in love with a mermaid who sang wonderfully well, and you had a choice to make – either go live in the sea with her and hear her melodious voice or ask her to come on land, wherein she would lose her voice – what would you decide?” she asked.

Yes, even I had a very difficult time interpreting this extremely long and complicated question (especially as I had downed quite a few jolly ones). And unfortunately for me, it is here that I had one of my FITM moments (Foot in the Mouth).

“I would ask the mermaid to come on land” I said

“And why is that? Wouldn’t you be sad that she had lost her voice” she asked?

“When I have a beautiful mermaid with me, I can think of better things to do than listening to her sing” I replied without thinking.

She gave me a disgusted/ embarassed look and signaled that the interview was over. And with it ended my hopes of becoming Mr. LLM. I was crushed at that moment ofcourse. But the evening was to have a happy ending.

After Mr and Miss LLM were selected, they had their official dance together. And while they ofcourse grabbed centre stage and danced to a couple of romantic songs cheered on by the entire batch, in the corner, away from the spotlight, Aunty Maria and I danced together or to be honest she literally danced me around the dance floor. I vaguely remember returning back to hostel triple seat with Sambaji and The Consultant as my last memories of that particular night.

PS:
Aunty Maria: She was Tall, Dark and Handsome
Mr. LLM: Emran Hashmi anyone?
Miss LLM: Femme Fatale, as described earlier

Note:
1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.
2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 023: When Shivaji and Sambaji derailed Magneto's train

The Magneto in X-Men was the central villain of the story with the ability to generate and control magnetic fields. The Magneto of LLM was also the central villain on campus, but this is where any similarities ended. He had the unique ability to attract chicks in hordes and this caused much envy and gnashing of teeth among the rest of the less gifted mortals (read Shivaji and Sambaji)

Where they huffed and puffed in their efforts for acquisitions and the odd hostile takeover, Magneto seemed to simply charm his way into effortless buyouts.

And one of their first experiences of his power came midway through their first term. Shivaji, The Buffer, Aurangzeb, Magneto and Hot Potato had gone out for lunch to one of the beaches in La La Land. Shivaji had initially engineered the lunch only with Hot Potato but at the last moment, much to his dismay, had realized that Magneto had managed to wriggle his way in. He had then had to call up reinforcements (read operations support) in the form of the aforementioned twosome. Their roles were well defined. The Buffer was to obviously buffer Magneto. Aurangzeb was to play bad cop to Shivaji’s good cop while grilling hot potato (pun intended).

Now Hot Potato lived by the motto of “Variety is the Spice of Life” and thus had the tendency to change social groups with alarming frequency. Where one day she would be spotted hanging out with B Company, the next day it was Magneto and sometimes even with those from God’s own country. Anyway, Hot Potato was at that point of time in the Growth phase of her PLC and had thus caught Shivaji’s attention.

So Shivaji and Aurangzeb (dutifully) followed the good cop, bad cop routine with The Buffer taking care of Magneto. An excerpt of their role play is given below:

Shivaji (conversational gambit): So Hot Potato, which is your hometown?
Hot Potato: I hail from the Western parts of India
Aurangzeb: So does that mean you’re a West Indian? Your accent would certainly qualify you for one (in an undertone)
Shivaji: Don’t listen to him; he’s just pissed off at something
Aurangzeb: Yeah, so pissed off that I need to find a loo to drain my ….umm…. anger
Shivaji: Anyways, so what are your hobbies and stuff?
Hot Potato: Oh I love to make new friends and I love dancing too
Aurangzeb: Yeah, we noticed that in the last party, Magneto nearly got a heart attack seeing you shaking your booty
Hot Potato: What???
Shivaji: He just meant that we also noticed that you dance very well in the last party (glaring at Aurangzeb)

At this point, Shivaji very quickly realized that Aurangzeb while trying to enact the bad cop routine was taking things too far and was actually playing nasty cop. And hence he jumped straight to the question he was dying to ask before Aurangzeb messed up everything.

Shivaji: Hot Potato, do you have a boyfriend?
Hot Potato: Yes
Shivaji: What!!! I don’t believe you. What’s his name?
Hot Potato: Vangirappu Madhusudhan. I call him Vangs.
Aurangzeb: What kind of a name is Vangirappu Madhusudhan? Sounds positively gay…..and Im not referring to the happy kinds here

Let’s not get into what happened next in this particular dialogue. But this admission by Hot Potato led to much consternation in The Conqueror’s camp. They would realize much later that this was a non existent boy friend invented by Magneto for Hot Potato to keep her out of “harm’s way” so as to say. However they did not know it at that point of time. Hence, how now to overcome this new obstacle became the moot point of their discussion.

“Lets issue a supari in his name, we can all contribute from our Summer Internship monies” said Shivaji who used to always border on the theatrical.

“Let’s put up some pics of us grooving with her at a party on Orkut (FB wasn’t popular then) and get Vangs to bare his Fangs with jealousy” said Sambaji who was always enthu about these dancing interludes.

“Let’s get The Buffer up close and personal with Vangs and thus make her jealous” said Aurangzeb who always seemed to love such wacky ideas.

The Buffer, not liking the direction which the conversation was taking, had a rare moment of inspiration “Comrades, it should not be this hypothetical Vangs guy you should be worried about who is a zillion miles away. We need to focus on eliminating Magneto from the picture”.

And thus they started plotting Magneto’s downfall. After much brainstorming, SWOT analysis, putting on thinking hats and all that kind of management jargon, they finally firmed up the plan. Shivaji would invite Hot Potato and Magneto to an end of term party at one of their senior’s rooms in the boys hostel. There would be music and dancing and drinking and prancing ending up with Magneto getting edged out of the picture.

To ensure that things went as per plan, The Buffer would be strategically stationed to cut off Magneto from Hot Potato. Aurangzeb was in charge of manning the drinks counter to ensure that the booze flowed freely all around. Shivaji and Sambaji ofcourse were the boogie woogie guys. A few other “non threatening” guys and gals were also invited to camouflage their actual intent.

And the plan worked like a dream. The moment Magneto entered with Hot Potato, he was pounced upon by The Buffer who started irritating him with his non stop nonsense act. Shivaji and Sambaji pounced on Hot Potato and tried to separate her from Magneto by inviting her to the dance floor. Aurangzeb upped the ante with loud music from the makeshift DJ console and Patiala pegs to ensure that everybody was in high spirits.

But these Magneto’s are made of sterner stuff. He clung on to Hot Potato like a leech and just when The Conquerors were beginning to despair, Shivaji came up with a masterstroke. He offered Hot Potato a drink. Magneto opened his mouth to let the morons know that she did not drink………………but before he could utter a word, she had grabbed the glass and gulped down half the contents in one swallow.

Magneto was so shocked, he started resembling a goldfish in a water bowl, with his mouth opening and closing but no words coming out. He did not drink and had assumed till that moment that she did not too. Shivaji and Sambaji jumped for joy, joined her in doing a “bottoms up” of their drinks and rushed with her to the dance floor. They knew it was game, set, match to The Conquerors.

Seeing Magneto make a surreptitious exit a few moments later, The Buffer, duties done started pissing off The Knight with great gusto. Aurangzeb, who liked to get his fellow citizens drunk and then sit back and watch the fun, got busy doing exactly that.

They partied till dawn and then went to bed exhausted but satisfied. Afterall they had indeed managed to derail Magneto’s train!!!

Note:

1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.

2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 022: A Dictionary of Terminology

Sun Tzu wrote “The Art of War” which is said to be the definitive work on military strategies and tactics and has also been successfully applied to business and managerial situations.

P.G. Wodehouse gave insights into the behavior of “gentlemen” with his Code of the Woosters.

And most recently Barney Stinson gave us the “The Bro Code” which is the final authority on acceptable behavior between and among dudes.

While it is unlikely that the Conqueror’s had ever heard of these literary masterpieces (let alone read them) they had, over the course of their misadventures, evolved some terminologies of their own, some of which have been illustrated below:

1. Merger: This referred to a couple getting together on campus (with much heartburn caused to The Conqueror’s as it meant one target less to buffer). For eg. Madame and Ladykiller.

2. Acquisition: The end result in mind with which Shivaji and Sambaji set out to conquer new lands. Or conquering conquered lands as in the case of Aurangzeb.

3. Hostile Takeover: This was a manoeuvre which had to be employed whenever the intended target was also the object of affection from a competitor and the acquisition had to be completed despite all obstacles set up by the competitor. Case in point: Madame doing a hostile takeover of Ladykiller despite the best efforts of Femme Fatale.

4. Cost Benefit Analysis: The Conquerors had adapted this economic theory to measure the viability of doing an acquisition. In layman terms it meant that if the perceived effort required to land a target was greater than the perceived benefits, it did not make sense to attempt that acquisition.

5. NPA (Non Performing Asset): This occurred when a perceived asset, post acquisition started behaving more like a liability and immediate measures were needed to get it off the books and reduce exposure. For eg. Hot Potato.

6. First Mover Advantage: This was generally gained by those who took the lead in forming online groups and setting up junior senior meets to gain mileage with fresher chicks before they had even landed on campus. The Conquerors unfortunately never quite managed to get in on this. They were more of the Late Entrant variety.

7. Late Entrants: The Conquerors always believed that it paid off to be Late Entrants in the game (laziness also played a big part in this), as by the time the chicks came on campus, they would have got fed up with an overdose of the First Movers and would then be susceptible to their novelty value and charms.

8. Product Positioning: Positioning of the product (target) played a key role in determining whether an acquisition was to be attempted. A product positioned in the high end segment would entail a lot of expenditure as wining and dining would have to be done keeping her profile in mind. An entry level product on the other hand might not have been worth their efforts. Hence optimum positioning was what they usually went in for.

9. Product Life Cycle (PLC): The perceived popularity/ hotness/ rating of a chick on campus had four stages in her PLC.

a. Introduction: When she started getting noticed around campus.
b. Growth: When all the First Movers, Late Entrants and other Nonentities jostled and vied for her attentions, thus shooting up her popularity sky high.
c. Maturity: When consolidation and reduction due to cut throat competition left only a few hardy survivors battling on.
d. Decline: When she became part of a merger resulting in the rest of the suitors doing a disappearing act.

10. Operations Support: Read Wingman/ Buffer

11. Due Diligence: A term patented by The Consultant. He believed that it was essential to do a background check on a potential target through common sources before hitting on a chick. This helped in keeping up the conversion rate.

12. Friendly Fire: When two members of the same team/ group ended up competing for the attentions of the same chick thus leading to operational issues. Eg. Shivaji and Sambaji on numerous occasions.

13. Cluster Bombing: This was the code by which Shivaji lived his life. The funda was simple. If you hit on every chick in sight, by the Law of Averages, you would end up scoring with atleast one.

14. The Diversion Trick: This was a method employed by The Conquerors whenever they did not want to share some information with all and sundry or to create a diversion from an embarrassing topic which had suddenly sprung up. Sambaji used to generally create a diversion by referring to any convenient object on hand: tubelights, salt and pepper shakers, the weather – all came in handy. Aurangzeb on the other hand used a simple one liner to distract nosy chicks “You’re looking so hot tonight” and it generally did the trick.

Note:
1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.
2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.