RR - 025: Of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - Part 4

Dwarf 4:

Dwarf 4 joined the Conqueror’s when they were in their first term at La La Land. Shivaji, Sambaji, Aurangzeb, The Buffer, The Consultant, Ladykiller and The Knight were joined by Jack (the Ripper). Now Jack hailed from the eastern parts of India and while overall a nice guy was at that stage in life when adolescence meets adulthood. And as such was very susceptible to the charms of the fairer sex.

And it was during one of the times when he was hanging out with The Conqueror’s that he chanced upon Snow White. Snow White was ofcourse following her daily routine, which was………….you guessed right …………. making friends across campus, doing assignments with Aurangzeb and hanging out with B Company. And the moment he set eyes on her, the heart did a somersault, the knees did their customary weakening, the brain circuits went fuzzy and lo and behold…………he was dwarfed.

But how now was this young chappie with not much experience of wooing the young ladies supposed to go about professing his love? The solution came to him exactly seven and a half seconds after he started thinking about it. He needed an agony aunt. So he started a SWOT analysis of the options available to him:

1. Shivaji: Shivaji was like the aunt who caused agony rather than one who was able to solve it. So he was ruled out immediately.

2. Sambaji: Sambaji could have been a good choice but he was also dropped by Jack due to a possibility of a conflict of interest at a later stage.

3. The Knight: Wrong option. He was inclined to gallop towards damsels in distress and ride off with them into the sunset and this did not suit Jack’s purpose at all.

4. Ladykiller: Yeah right!!!

5. Aurangzeb: The number one candidate as he used to do his project assignments with Snow White and could be relied on for some insider information.

6. The Buffer: The backup option. He was good at giving advice but whether following it would lead Jack to the top of the beanstalk needed further retrospection.

So he approached Aurangzeb with the proposition of becoming his agony aunt:

Jack: Aurangzeb buddy, got a minute to spare?

Aurangzeb: Yeah sure

Jack: I am in love with Snow White

Aurangzeb: Ok

Jack: You don’t seem surprised at this revelation

Aurangzeb: Well, I have been observing you gaping at her with a lovelorn puppy look on your face for the past few days and hence your confession wasn’t as earth shattering as you might have expected.

Jack: So what do you think my next move should be?

Aurangzeb: If you think she reciprocates your………errr………..love……….go right ahead and ask her out

Jack: And if not?

Aurangzeb: Then don’t

Jack: Is that all you have to suggest? Dosnt seem to be much of a strategy to me

Aurangzeb: Dude, Im Aurangzeb. I don’t go out conquering new lands. You are asking the wrong guy here

Jack: But you are in the same project group as her. I thought you would be able to give me some valuable insights.

Aurangzeb: (Grunts absentmindedly while scouring the net for football news)

Seeing Aurangzeb’s very apparent lack of interest in his love life, he then made a mitigation plan and approached the backup option…………..The Buffer!!!

When Jack entered The Buffer’s room, he saw that The Buffer was lying on his bed like Cleopatra, covered from head to toe with a chaddar and deeply engrossed in watching something on his laptop which by the nature of sounds emanating from it sounded like it belonged to the “A rated” genre.

“Dude, I desperately need your help” said Jack. The Buffer (very graciously) shut down his laptop and gave him his undivided attention. Jack enunciated his dilemma to The Buffer, pointedly highlighting Aurangzeb’s deficiencies in devising strategies and outlining his hope that The Buffer would do better.

“Footwear” said The Buffer with a wise look on his face. “Eh???” said Jack now thoroughly puzzled. “Do you mean to say that I should gift her a pair of shoes?” he asked.

“No, you dumbass” said The Buffer. “Footwear maketh the lady. Let me explain. The type of gear that she has on her feet gives an insight into her personality. Flats indicate Rani Mukherjee, pumps mean Priyanka Chopra and stilettos…………oooohhh Mallika Sherawat!!!”

After a lot of discussions, arguments and counter arguments, they finally agreed that Snow White was in the Rani Mukherjee category – this indicated a stable and well balanced personality as per Bufferonomics.
And hence they finalized that a book would be the ideal gift for her. The next day, after trawling through a lot of bookstores in La La land, Jack selected “Maximum City” by Suketu Mehta, had it gift wrapped and went in search of Snow White. After locating her on campus, he took her away to a discreet corner and gifted her the above mentioned with the following inscription:

For the damsel who loves maximum city,

Whose heart has the maximum kindness,

A token of my maximum love,

Hoping you too love me to the maximum,

Love, Jack.

Snow White saw the inscription with a feeling of déjà vu, scribbled a note of her own below the one written by Jack and walked away. It read:

The maximum we can be is just friends!!!

And therein ended the story for Dwarf 4.

Note:


1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.

2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 024: Interlude in Aurangzeb's First Date: As Narrated

While the narrative mentioned earlier was ofcourse the main course of my first date (RR - 001,2,3), there was an accompaniment to it also. It all happened like this.

My first few days in campus were in the “please everybody” mode. I wanted to be friends with everybody, be a part of all the fun and enjoy my MBA to the fullest. And it was in this mode that I attended the first meeting of the “Party Club”. The job description of this club could be described in two words………. arrange parties. Why they needed to call a meeting to explain that was beyond comprehension, but we all found ourselves attending this meeting one night.

Now this meeting was chaired by my soon to be first date, Guddi Maruti. Lets call her Maruti from here on (not like an alto but more like the unswift). As can be probably guessed from her name, she was tall and well rounded. She redefined the meaning of “curves”. But I digress here. She was quite a dominating figure and held the audience in sway while decoding the job description of her club. But after getting claps for the number of parties they planned to arrange and groans for the amount of moolah they planned to extract, she announced that there would be a competition in which Mr and Miss LLM (La La Land of Management) would be decided. You needed to perform in front of the entire college to qualify for this title. And so, true to my “please everybody” mode I started racking my brains on what it was that I would do at the competition.

Some of us fall into the multi talented bracket (we can sing, dance, mimic, play musical instruments etc). The rest of us dread these social occasions wherein we are forced to perform and fear making a fool out of ourselves. I fell in this second category. As I couldn’t sing, dance, mimic or play a musical instrument, I was restricted to telling jokes as the safest form of getting away by participating in the competition. But after googling for a couple of days, I had yet to find something suitable. It was difficult to find something funny and witty and yet at the same time non vulgar. As the start of the evening approached ever closer, I began to get more and more desperate and resorted to asking people to narrate any funny jokes that they knew and would be suitable for the occasion. But it was all to no avail.

But lots of times in life, it happens that when you have all but given up and resigned yourself to your fate that things suddenly seem to fall into place and you find that elusive solution. I was hanging out with a group of my friends who were planning to do a skit (yes, I had asked them for an insignificant role but had been summarily rejected) and while watching them rehearse, something struck me and I went and blurted it out.

It went something as follows:

Main hoon Mumbai ka kela,
Lamba, patla, sundar aur sudol,
But you got to remember,
If you peel me,
You can feel me.

Seemed like a good mix of where I hailed from, my physical attributes and some wit and humour (albeit a bit vulgar). After I recited the first couple of lines, there were cheers and claps, but there was a significant pause after the last two lines and much to my surprise – louder cheers and claps after I had finished. Feeling happy that I had managed to get through this without making an ass out of myself, I spent the next day feeling quite pleased with myself until I glanced at the notice board in the evening and much to my surprise found that I had qualified for round 2. This brought back with it an unexpected headached wherein I was back to square 1 and trying to figure out what it is that I was going to perform with my limited skill sets. But here again one of my friends turned to be my savior. He used to watch “Laughter Challenge” on television. In one particular episode, one of the contestants had given a great performance and he proceeded to explain it to me – keeping my modest skills in mind ofcourse.

The meat of the performance was as under:
1. Use a chair as a prop
2. Place your backside on the chair and ask the audience to interpret your action
3. Explain to them that “tumne tashreef rakhi hai”
4. Sing some love songs by asking the audience to mentally replace the word “dil” with “tashreef”

And that is exactly what I proceeded to do. Even with my atrocious singing skills, it turned out to be extremely hilarious and I found myself among the final four contesting for the fresher’s crown. At this point of time I truly gave up on the competition and resigned myself to my fate. I could not bear doing any further google searches or chasing people for funny quotes.

The final round was scheduled at the fresher’s party the following Saturday. I have ofcourse already described my date in some detail earlier. But somewhere after my date interrogating me and some good Samaritans disabling her salsa skills and thus saving me, I had my final round of the competition.

After toasting the retirement of my date due to external influences, I had been enjoying the party to the fullest and was feeling quite nice and happy when suddenly I felt someone tapping me on the shoulder and dragging me along for the final round. It was a senior who was on the selection committee.

I was made to sit next to a nice looking chick (Dumb Blonde 3, referred to hereon as DB 3) who was awaiting her turn to be quizzed for Miss LLM and spent some nice moments conversing with her. For a good looking chick, she was very approachable and smart to talk to and I atleast had a very pleasant time chatting with her about stuff from here and there – which is what one does when interacting with good looking strangers (it was only later that I was to find out that she was completely sloshed at that time, never remembered that conversation and rarely spoke to me ever after.)

Anyway, after a few moments of conversing with DB 3, I was summoned and asked to sit before the committee. I had to choose the person from whom I wanted to take the question. Since the choice was between a guy and a gal, being a normal guy I asked the chick to ask away. And there started my misadventure:

“If you were in love with a mermaid who sang wonderfully well, and you had a choice to make – either go live in the sea with her and hear her melodious voice or ask her to come on land, wherein she would lose her voice – what would you decide?” she asked.

Yes, even I had a very difficult time interpreting this extremely long and complicated question (especially as I had downed quite a few jolly ones). And unfortunately for me, it is here that I had one of my FITM moments (Foot in the Mouth).

“I would ask the mermaid to come on land” I said

“And why is that? Wouldn’t you be sad that she had lost her voice” she asked?

“When I have a beautiful mermaid with me, I can think of better things to do than listening to her sing” I replied without thinking.

She gave me a disgusted/ embarassed look and signaled that the interview was over. And with it ended my hopes of becoming Mr. LLM. I was crushed at that moment ofcourse. But the evening was to have a happy ending.

After Mr and Miss LLM were selected, they had their official dance together. And while they ofcourse grabbed centre stage and danced to a couple of romantic songs cheered on by the entire batch, in the corner, away from the spotlight, Aunty Maria and I danced together or to be honest she literally danced me around the dance floor. I vaguely remember returning back to hostel triple seat with Sambaji and The Consultant as my last memories of that particular night.

PS:
Aunty Maria: She was Tall, Dark and Handsome
Mr. LLM: Emran Hashmi anyone?
Miss LLM: Femme Fatale, as described earlier

Note:
1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.
2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 023: When Shivaji and Sambaji derailed Magneto's train

The Magneto in X-Men was the central villain of the story with the ability to generate and control magnetic fields. The Magneto of LLM was also the central villain on campus, but this is where any similarities ended. He had the unique ability to attract chicks in hordes and this caused much envy and gnashing of teeth among the rest of the less gifted mortals (read Shivaji and Sambaji)

Where they huffed and puffed in their efforts for acquisitions and the odd hostile takeover, Magneto seemed to simply charm his way into effortless buyouts.

And one of their first experiences of his power came midway through their first term. Shivaji, The Buffer, Aurangzeb, Magneto and Hot Potato had gone out for lunch to one of the beaches in La La Land. Shivaji had initially engineered the lunch only with Hot Potato but at the last moment, much to his dismay, had realized that Magneto had managed to wriggle his way in. He had then had to call up reinforcements (read operations support) in the form of the aforementioned twosome. Their roles were well defined. The Buffer was to obviously buffer Magneto. Aurangzeb was to play bad cop to Shivaji’s good cop while grilling hot potato (pun intended).

Now Hot Potato lived by the motto of “Variety is the Spice of Life” and thus had the tendency to change social groups with alarming frequency. Where one day she would be spotted hanging out with B Company, the next day it was Magneto and sometimes even with those from God’s own country. Anyway, Hot Potato was at that point of time in the Growth phase of her PLC and had thus caught Shivaji’s attention.

So Shivaji and Aurangzeb (dutifully) followed the good cop, bad cop routine with The Buffer taking care of Magneto. An excerpt of their role play is given below:

Shivaji (conversational gambit): So Hot Potato, which is your hometown?
Hot Potato: I hail from the Western parts of India
Aurangzeb: So does that mean you’re a West Indian? Your accent would certainly qualify you for one (in an undertone)
Shivaji: Don’t listen to him; he’s just pissed off at something
Aurangzeb: Yeah, so pissed off that I need to find a loo to drain my ….umm…. anger
Shivaji: Anyways, so what are your hobbies and stuff?
Hot Potato: Oh I love to make new friends and I love dancing too
Aurangzeb: Yeah, we noticed that in the last party, Magneto nearly got a heart attack seeing you shaking your booty
Hot Potato: What???
Shivaji: He just meant that we also noticed that you dance very well in the last party (glaring at Aurangzeb)

At this point, Shivaji very quickly realized that Aurangzeb while trying to enact the bad cop routine was taking things too far and was actually playing nasty cop. And hence he jumped straight to the question he was dying to ask before Aurangzeb messed up everything.

Shivaji: Hot Potato, do you have a boyfriend?
Hot Potato: Yes
Shivaji: What!!! I don’t believe you. What’s his name?
Hot Potato: Vangirappu Madhusudhan. I call him Vangs.
Aurangzeb: What kind of a name is Vangirappu Madhusudhan? Sounds positively gay…..and Im not referring to the happy kinds here

Let’s not get into what happened next in this particular dialogue. But this admission by Hot Potato led to much consternation in The Conqueror’s camp. They would realize much later that this was a non existent boy friend invented by Magneto for Hot Potato to keep her out of “harm’s way” so as to say. However they did not know it at that point of time. Hence, how now to overcome this new obstacle became the moot point of their discussion.

“Lets issue a supari in his name, we can all contribute from our Summer Internship monies” said Shivaji who used to always border on the theatrical.

“Let’s put up some pics of us grooving with her at a party on Orkut (FB wasn’t popular then) and get Vangs to bare his Fangs with jealousy” said Sambaji who was always enthu about these dancing interludes.

“Let’s get The Buffer up close and personal with Vangs and thus make her jealous” said Aurangzeb who always seemed to love such wacky ideas.

The Buffer, not liking the direction which the conversation was taking, had a rare moment of inspiration “Comrades, it should not be this hypothetical Vangs guy you should be worried about who is a zillion miles away. We need to focus on eliminating Magneto from the picture”.

And thus they started plotting Magneto’s downfall. After much brainstorming, SWOT analysis, putting on thinking hats and all that kind of management jargon, they finally firmed up the plan. Shivaji would invite Hot Potato and Magneto to an end of term party at one of their senior’s rooms in the boys hostel. There would be music and dancing and drinking and prancing ending up with Magneto getting edged out of the picture.

To ensure that things went as per plan, The Buffer would be strategically stationed to cut off Magneto from Hot Potato. Aurangzeb was in charge of manning the drinks counter to ensure that the booze flowed freely all around. Shivaji and Sambaji ofcourse were the boogie woogie guys. A few other “non threatening” guys and gals were also invited to camouflage their actual intent.

And the plan worked like a dream. The moment Magneto entered with Hot Potato, he was pounced upon by The Buffer who started irritating him with his non stop nonsense act. Shivaji and Sambaji pounced on Hot Potato and tried to separate her from Magneto by inviting her to the dance floor. Aurangzeb upped the ante with loud music from the makeshift DJ console and Patiala pegs to ensure that everybody was in high spirits.

But these Magneto’s are made of sterner stuff. He clung on to Hot Potato like a leech and just when The Conquerors were beginning to despair, Shivaji came up with a masterstroke. He offered Hot Potato a drink. Magneto opened his mouth to let the morons know that she did not drink………………but before he could utter a word, she had grabbed the glass and gulped down half the contents in one swallow.

Magneto was so shocked, he started resembling a goldfish in a water bowl, with his mouth opening and closing but no words coming out. He did not drink and had assumed till that moment that she did not too. Shivaji and Sambaji jumped for joy, joined her in doing a “bottoms up” of their drinks and rushed with her to the dance floor. They knew it was game, set, match to The Conquerors.

Seeing Magneto make a surreptitious exit a few moments later, The Buffer, duties done started pissing off The Knight with great gusto. Aurangzeb, who liked to get his fellow citizens drunk and then sit back and watch the fun, got busy doing exactly that.

They partied till dawn and then went to bed exhausted but satisfied. Afterall they had indeed managed to derail Magneto’s train!!!

Note:

1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.

2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.