Sun Tzu wrote “The Art of War” which is said to be the definitive work on military strategies and tactics and has also been successfully applied to business and managerial situations.
P.G. Wodehouse gave insights into the behavior of “gentlemen” with his Code of the Woosters.
And most recently Barney Stinson gave us the “The Bro Code” which is the final authority on acceptable behavior between and among dudes.
While it is unlikely that the Conqueror’s had ever heard of these literary masterpieces (let alone read them) they had, over the course of their misadventures, evolved some terminologies of their own, some of which have been illustrated below:
1. Merger: This referred to a couple getting together on campus (with much heartburn caused to The Conqueror’s as it meant one target less to buffer). For eg. Madame and Ladykiller.
2. Acquisition: The end result in mind with which Shivaji and Sambaji set out to conquer new lands. Or conquering conquered lands as in the case of Aurangzeb.
3. Hostile Takeover: This was a manoeuvre which had to be employed whenever the intended target was also the object of affection from a competitor and the acquisition had to be completed despite all obstacles set up by the competitor. Case in point: Madame doing a hostile takeover of Ladykiller despite the best efforts of Femme Fatale.
4. Cost Benefit Analysis: The Conquerors had adapted this economic theory to measure the viability of doing an acquisition. In layman terms it meant that if the perceived effort required to land a target was greater than the perceived benefits, it did not make sense to attempt that acquisition.
5. NPA (Non Performing Asset): This occurred when a perceived asset, post acquisition started behaving more like a liability and immediate measures were needed to get it off the books and reduce exposure. For eg. Hot Potato.
6. First Mover Advantage: This was generally gained by those who took the lead in forming online groups and setting up junior senior meets to gain mileage with fresher chicks before they had even landed on campus. The Conquerors unfortunately never quite managed to get in on this. They were more of the Late Entrant variety.
7. Late Entrants: The Conquerors always believed that it paid off to be Late Entrants in the game (laziness also played a big part in this), as by the time the chicks came on campus, they would have got fed up with an overdose of the First Movers and would then be susceptible to their novelty value and charms.
8. Product Positioning: Positioning of the product (target) played a key role in determining whether an acquisition was to be attempted. A product positioned in the high end segment would entail a lot of expenditure as wining and dining would have to be done keeping her profile in mind. An entry level product on the other hand might not have been worth their efforts. Hence optimum positioning was what they usually went in for.
9. Product Life Cycle (PLC): The perceived popularity/ hotness/ rating of a chick on campus had four stages in her PLC.
a. Introduction: When she started getting noticed around campus.
b. Growth: When all the First Movers, Late Entrants and other Nonentities jostled and vied for her attentions, thus shooting up her popularity sky high.
c. Maturity: When consolidation and reduction due to cut throat competition left only a few hardy survivors battling on.
d. Decline: When she became part of a merger resulting in the rest of the suitors doing a disappearing act.
10. Operations Support: Read Wingman/ Buffer
11. Due Diligence: A term patented by The Consultant. He believed that it was essential to do a background check on a potential target through common sources before hitting on a chick. This helped in keeping up the conversion rate.
12. Friendly Fire: When two members of the same team/ group ended up competing for the attentions of the same chick thus leading to operational issues. Eg. Shivaji and Sambaji on numerous occasions.
13. Cluster Bombing: This was the code by which Shivaji lived his life. The funda was simple. If you hit on every chick in sight, by the Law of Averages, you would end up scoring with atleast one.
14. The Diversion Trick: This was a method employed by The Conquerors whenever they did not want to share some information with all and sundry or to create a diversion from an embarrassing topic which had suddenly sprung up. Sambaji used to generally create a diversion by referring to any convenient object on hand: tubelights, salt and pepper shakers, the weather – all came in handy. Aurangzeb on the other hand used a simple one liner to distract nosy chicks “You’re looking so hot tonight” and it generally did the trick.
Note:
1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.
2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.
