RR - 024: Interlude in Aurangzeb's First Date: As Narrated

While the narrative mentioned earlier was ofcourse the main course of my first date (RR - 001,2,3), there was an accompaniment to it also. It all happened like this.

My first few days in campus were in the “please everybody” mode. I wanted to be friends with everybody, be a part of all the fun and enjoy my MBA to the fullest. And it was in this mode that I attended the first meeting of the “Party Club”. The job description of this club could be described in two words………. arrange parties. Why they needed to call a meeting to explain that was beyond comprehension, but we all found ourselves attending this meeting one night.

Now this meeting was chaired by my soon to be first date, Guddi Maruti. Lets call her Maruti from here on (not like an alto but more like the unswift). As can be probably guessed from her name, she was tall and well rounded. She redefined the meaning of “curves”. But I digress here. She was quite a dominating figure and held the audience in sway while decoding the job description of her club. But after getting claps for the number of parties they planned to arrange and groans for the amount of moolah they planned to extract, she announced that there would be a competition in which Mr and Miss LLM (La La Land of Management) would be decided. You needed to perform in front of the entire college to qualify for this title. And so, true to my “please everybody” mode I started racking my brains on what it was that I would do at the competition.

Some of us fall into the multi talented bracket (we can sing, dance, mimic, play musical instruments etc). The rest of us dread these social occasions wherein we are forced to perform and fear making a fool out of ourselves. I fell in this second category. As I couldn’t sing, dance, mimic or play a musical instrument, I was restricted to telling jokes as the safest form of getting away by participating in the competition. But after googling for a couple of days, I had yet to find something suitable. It was difficult to find something funny and witty and yet at the same time non vulgar. As the start of the evening approached ever closer, I began to get more and more desperate and resorted to asking people to narrate any funny jokes that they knew and would be suitable for the occasion. But it was all to no avail.

But lots of times in life, it happens that when you have all but given up and resigned yourself to your fate that things suddenly seem to fall into place and you find that elusive solution. I was hanging out with a group of my friends who were planning to do a skit (yes, I had asked them for an insignificant role but had been summarily rejected) and while watching them rehearse, something struck me and I went and blurted it out.

It went something as follows:

Main hoon Mumbai ka kela,
Lamba, patla, sundar aur sudol,
But you got to remember,
If you peel me,
You can feel me.

Seemed like a good mix of where I hailed from, my physical attributes and some wit and humour (albeit a bit vulgar). After I recited the first couple of lines, there were cheers and claps, but there was a significant pause after the last two lines and much to my surprise – louder cheers and claps after I had finished. Feeling happy that I had managed to get through this without making an ass out of myself, I spent the next day feeling quite pleased with myself until I glanced at the notice board in the evening and much to my surprise found that I had qualified for round 2. This brought back with it an unexpected headached wherein I was back to square 1 and trying to figure out what it is that I was going to perform with my limited skill sets. But here again one of my friends turned to be my savior. He used to watch “Laughter Challenge” on television. In one particular episode, one of the contestants had given a great performance and he proceeded to explain it to me – keeping my modest skills in mind ofcourse.

The meat of the performance was as under:
1. Use a chair as a prop
2. Place your backside on the chair and ask the audience to interpret your action
3. Explain to them that “tumne tashreef rakhi hai”
4. Sing some love songs by asking the audience to mentally replace the word “dil” with “tashreef”

And that is exactly what I proceeded to do. Even with my atrocious singing skills, it turned out to be extremely hilarious and I found myself among the final four contesting for the fresher’s crown. At this point of time I truly gave up on the competition and resigned myself to my fate. I could not bear doing any further google searches or chasing people for funny quotes.

The final round was scheduled at the fresher’s party the following Saturday. I have ofcourse already described my date in some detail earlier. But somewhere after my date interrogating me and some good Samaritans disabling her salsa skills and thus saving me, I had my final round of the competition.

After toasting the retirement of my date due to external influences, I had been enjoying the party to the fullest and was feeling quite nice and happy when suddenly I felt someone tapping me on the shoulder and dragging me along for the final round. It was a senior who was on the selection committee.

I was made to sit next to a nice looking chick (Dumb Blonde 3, referred to hereon as DB 3) who was awaiting her turn to be quizzed for Miss LLM and spent some nice moments conversing with her. For a good looking chick, she was very approachable and smart to talk to and I atleast had a very pleasant time chatting with her about stuff from here and there – which is what one does when interacting with good looking strangers (it was only later that I was to find out that she was completely sloshed at that time, never remembered that conversation and rarely spoke to me ever after.)

Anyway, after a few moments of conversing with DB 3, I was summoned and asked to sit before the committee. I had to choose the person from whom I wanted to take the question. Since the choice was between a guy and a gal, being a normal guy I asked the chick to ask away. And there started my misadventure:

“If you were in love with a mermaid who sang wonderfully well, and you had a choice to make – either go live in the sea with her and hear her melodious voice or ask her to come on land, wherein she would lose her voice – what would you decide?” she asked.

Yes, even I had a very difficult time interpreting this extremely long and complicated question (especially as I had downed quite a few jolly ones). And unfortunately for me, it is here that I had one of my FITM moments (Foot in the Mouth).

“I would ask the mermaid to come on land” I said

“And why is that? Wouldn’t you be sad that she had lost her voice” she asked?

“When I have a beautiful mermaid with me, I can think of better things to do than listening to her sing” I replied without thinking.

She gave me a disgusted/ embarassed look and signaled that the interview was over. And with it ended my hopes of becoming Mr. LLM. I was crushed at that moment ofcourse. But the evening was to have a happy ending.

After Mr and Miss LLM were selected, they had their official dance together. And while they ofcourse grabbed centre stage and danced to a couple of romantic songs cheered on by the entire batch, in the corner, away from the spotlight, Aunty Maria and I danced together or to be honest she literally danced me around the dance floor. I vaguely remember returning back to hostel triple seat with Sambaji and The Consultant as my last memories of that particular night.

PS:
Aunty Maria: She was Tall, Dark and Handsome
Mr. LLM: Emran Hashmi anyone?
Miss LLM: Femme Fatale, as described earlier

Note:
1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.
2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.