RR - 025: Of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - Part 4

Dwarf 4:

Dwarf 4 joined the Conqueror’s when they were in their first term at La La Land. Shivaji, Sambaji, Aurangzeb, The Buffer, The Consultant, Ladykiller and The Knight were joined by Jack (the Ripper). Now Jack hailed from the eastern parts of India and while overall a nice guy was at that stage in life when adolescence meets adulthood. And as such was very susceptible to the charms of the fairer sex.

And it was during one of the times when he was hanging out with The Conqueror’s that he chanced upon Snow White. Snow White was ofcourse following her daily routine, which was………….you guessed right …………. making friends across campus, doing assignments with Aurangzeb and hanging out with B Company. And the moment he set eyes on her, the heart did a somersault, the knees did their customary weakening, the brain circuits went fuzzy and lo and behold…………he was dwarfed.

But how now was this young chappie with not much experience of wooing the young ladies supposed to go about professing his love? The solution came to him exactly seven and a half seconds after he started thinking about it. He needed an agony aunt. So he started a SWOT analysis of the options available to him:

1. Shivaji: Shivaji was like the aunt who caused agony rather than one who was able to solve it. So he was ruled out immediately.

2. Sambaji: Sambaji could have been a good choice but he was also dropped by Jack due to a possibility of a conflict of interest at a later stage.

3. The Knight: Wrong option. He was inclined to gallop towards damsels in distress and ride off with them into the sunset and this did not suit Jack’s purpose at all.

4. Ladykiller: Yeah right!!!

5. Aurangzeb: The number one candidate as he used to do his project assignments with Snow White and could be relied on for some insider information.

6. The Buffer: The backup option. He was good at giving advice but whether following it would lead Jack to the top of the beanstalk needed further retrospection.

So he approached Aurangzeb with the proposition of becoming his agony aunt:

Jack: Aurangzeb buddy, got a minute to spare?

Aurangzeb: Yeah sure

Jack: I am in love with Snow White

Aurangzeb: Ok

Jack: You don’t seem surprised at this revelation

Aurangzeb: Well, I have been observing you gaping at her with a lovelorn puppy look on your face for the past few days and hence your confession wasn’t as earth shattering as you might have expected.

Jack: So what do you think my next move should be?

Aurangzeb: If you think she reciprocates your………errr………..love……….go right ahead and ask her out

Jack: And if not?

Aurangzeb: Then don’t

Jack: Is that all you have to suggest? Dosnt seem to be much of a strategy to me

Aurangzeb: Dude, Im Aurangzeb. I don’t go out conquering new lands. You are asking the wrong guy here

Jack: But you are in the same project group as her. I thought you would be able to give me some valuable insights.

Aurangzeb: (Grunts absentmindedly while scouring the net for football news)

Seeing Aurangzeb’s very apparent lack of interest in his love life, he then made a mitigation plan and approached the backup option…………..The Buffer!!!

When Jack entered The Buffer’s room, he saw that The Buffer was lying on his bed like Cleopatra, covered from head to toe with a chaddar and deeply engrossed in watching something on his laptop which by the nature of sounds emanating from it sounded like it belonged to the “A rated” genre.

“Dude, I desperately need your help” said Jack. The Buffer (very graciously) shut down his laptop and gave him his undivided attention. Jack enunciated his dilemma to The Buffer, pointedly highlighting Aurangzeb’s deficiencies in devising strategies and outlining his hope that The Buffer would do better.

“Footwear” said The Buffer with a wise look on his face. “Eh???” said Jack now thoroughly puzzled. “Do you mean to say that I should gift her a pair of shoes?” he asked.

“No, you dumbass” said The Buffer. “Footwear maketh the lady. Let me explain. The type of gear that she has on her feet gives an insight into her personality. Flats indicate Rani Mukherjee, pumps mean Priyanka Chopra and stilettos…………oooohhh Mallika Sherawat!!!”

After a lot of discussions, arguments and counter arguments, they finally agreed that Snow White was in the Rani Mukherjee category – this indicated a stable and well balanced personality as per Bufferonomics.
And hence they finalized that a book would be the ideal gift for her. The next day, after trawling through a lot of bookstores in La La land, Jack selected “Maximum City” by Suketu Mehta, had it gift wrapped and went in search of Snow White. After locating her on campus, he took her away to a discreet corner and gifted her the above mentioned with the following inscription:

For the damsel who loves maximum city,

Whose heart has the maximum kindness,

A token of my maximum love,

Hoping you too love me to the maximum,

Love, Jack.

Snow White saw the inscription with a feeling of déjà vu, scribbled a note of her own below the one written by Jack and walked away. It read:

The maximum we can be is just friends!!!

And therein ended the story for Dwarf 4.

Note:


1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.

2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 024: Interlude in Aurangzeb's First Date: As Narrated

While the narrative mentioned earlier was ofcourse the main course of my first date (RR - 001,2,3), there was an accompaniment to it also. It all happened like this.

My first few days in campus were in the “please everybody” mode. I wanted to be friends with everybody, be a part of all the fun and enjoy my MBA to the fullest. And it was in this mode that I attended the first meeting of the “Party Club”. The job description of this club could be described in two words………. arrange parties. Why they needed to call a meeting to explain that was beyond comprehension, but we all found ourselves attending this meeting one night.

Now this meeting was chaired by my soon to be first date, Guddi Maruti. Lets call her Maruti from here on (not like an alto but more like the unswift). As can be probably guessed from her name, she was tall and well rounded. She redefined the meaning of “curves”. But I digress here. She was quite a dominating figure and held the audience in sway while decoding the job description of her club. But after getting claps for the number of parties they planned to arrange and groans for the amount of moolah they planned to extract, she announced that there would be a competition in which Mr and Miss LLM (La La Land of Management) would be decided. You needed to perform in front of the entire college to qualify for this title. And so, true to my “please everybody” mode I started racking my brains on what it was that I would do at the competition.

Some of us fall into the multi talented bracket (we can sing, dance, mimic, play musical instruments etc). The rest of us dread these social occasions wherein we are forced to perform and fear making a fool out of ourselves. I fell in this second category. As I couldn’t sing, dance, mimic or play a musical instrument, I was restricted to telling jokes as the safest form of getting away by participating in the competition. But after googling for a couple of days, I had yet to find something suitable. It was difficult to find something funny and witty and yet at the same time non vulgar. As the start of the evening approached ever closer, I began to get more and more desperate and resorted to asking people to narrate any funny jokes that they knew and would be suitable for the occasion. But it was all to no avail.

But lots of times in life, it happens that when you have all but given up and resigned yourself to your fate that things suddenly seem to fall into place and you find that elusive solution. I was hanging out with a group of my friends who were planning to do a skit (yes, I had asked them for an insignificant role but had been summarily rejected) and while watching them rehearse, something struck me and I went and blurted it out.

It went something as follows:

Main hoon Mumbai ka kela,
Lamba, patla, sundar aur sudol,
But you got to remember,
If you peel me,
You can feel me.

Seemed like a good mix of where I hailed from, my physical attributes and some wit and humour (albeit a bit vulgar). After I recited the first couple of lines, there were cheers and claps, but there was a significant pause after the last two lines and much to my surprise – louder cheers and claps after I had finished. Feeling happy that I had managed to get through this without making an ass out of myself, I spent the next day feeling quite pleased with myself until I glanced at the notice board in the evening and much to my surprise found that I had qualified for round 2. This brought back with it an unexpected headached wherein I was back to square 1 and trying to figure out what it is that I was going to perform with my limited skill sets. But here again one of my friends turned to be my savior. He used to watch “Laughter Challenge” on television. In one particular episode, one of the contestants had given a great performance and he proceeded to explain it to me – keeping my modest skills in mind ofcourse.

The meat of the performance was as under:
1. Use a chair as a prop
2. Place your backside on the chair and ask the audience to interpret your action
3. Explain to them that “tumne tashreef rakhi hai”
4. Sing some love songs by asking the audience to mentally replace the word “dil” with “tashreef”

And that is exactly what I proceeded to do. Even with my atrocious singing skills, it turned out to be extremely hilarious and I found myself among the final four contesting for the fresher’s crown. At this point of time I truly gave up on the competition and resigned myself to my fate. I could not bear doing any further google searches or chasing people for funny quotes.

The final round was scheduled at the fresher’s party the following Saturday. I have ofcourse already described my date in some detail earlier. But somewhere after my date interrogating me and some good Samaritans disabling her salsa skills and thus saving me, I had my final round of the competition.

After toasting the retirement of my date due to external influences, I had been enjoying the party to the fullest and was feeling quite nice and happy when suddenly I felt someone tapping me on the shoulder and dragging me along for the final round. It was a senior who was on the selection committee.

I was made to sit next to a nice looking chick (Dumb Blonde 3, referred to hereon as DB 3) who was awaiting her turn to be quizzed for Miss LLM and spent some nice moments conversing with her. For a good looking chick, she was very approachable and smart to talk to and I atleast had a very pleasant time chatting with her about stuff from here and there – which is what one does when interacting with good looking strangers (it was only later that I was to find out that she was completely sloshed at that time, never remembered that conversation and rarely spoke to me ever after.)

Anyway, after a few moments of conversing with DB 3, I was summoned and asked to sit before the committee. I had to choose the person from whom I wanted to take the question. Since the choice was between a guy and a gal, being a normal guy I asked the chick to ask away. And there started my misadventure:

“If you were in love with a mermaid who sang wonderfully well, and you had a choice to make – either go live in the sea with her and hear her melodious voice or ask her to come on land, wherein she would lose her voice – what would you decide?” she asked.

Yes, even I had a very difficult time interpreting this extremely long and complicated question (especially as I had downed quite a few jolly ones). And unfortunately for me, it is here that I had one of my FITM moments (Foot in the Mouth).

“I would ask the mermaid to come on land” I said

“And why is that? Wouldn’t you be sad that she had lost her voice” she asked?

“When I have a beautiful mermaid with me, I can think of better things to do than listening to her sing” I replied without thinking.

She gave me a disgusted/ embarassed look and signaled that the interview was over. And with it ended my hopes of becoming Mr. LLM. I was crushed at that moment ofcourse. But the evening was to have a happy ending.

After Mr and Miss LLM were selected, they had their official dance together. And while they ofcourse grabbed centre stage and danced to a couple of romantic songs cheered on by the entire batch, in the corner, away from the spotlight, Aunty Maria and I danced together or to be honest she literally danced me around the dance floor. I vaguely remember returning back to hostel triple seat with Sambaji and The Consultant as my last memories of that particular night.

PS:
Aunty Maria: She was Tall, Dark and Handsome
Mr. LLM: Emran Hashmi anyone?
Miss LLM: Femme Fatale, as described earlier

Note:
1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.
2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 023: When Shivaji and Sambaji derailed Magneto's train

The Magneto in X-Men was the central villain of the story with the ability to generate and control magnetic fields. The Magneto of LLM was also the central villain on campus, but this is where any similarities ended. He had the unique ability to attract chicks in hordes and this caused much envy and gnashing of teeth among the rest of the less gifted mortals (read Shivaji and Sambaji)

Where they huffed and puffed in their efforts for acquisitions and the odd hostile takeover, Magneto seemed to simply charm his way into effortless buyouts.

And one of their first experiences of his power came midway through their first term. Shivaji, The Buffer, Aurangzeb, Magneto and Hot Potato had gone out for lunch to one of the beaches in La La Land. Shivaji had initially engineered the lunch only with Hot Potato but at the last moment, much to his dismay, had realized that Magneto had managed to wriggle his way in. He had then had to call up reinforcements (read operations support) in the form of the aforementioned twosome. Their roles were well defined. The Buffer was to obviously buffer Magneto. Aurangzeb was to play bad cop to Shivaji’s good cop while grilling hot potato (pun intended).

Now Hot Potato lived by the motto of “Variety is the Spice of Life” and thus had the tendency to change social groups with alarming frequency. Where one day she would be spotted hanging out with B Company, the next day it was Magneto and sometimes even with those from God’s own country. Anyway, Hot Potato was at that point of time in the Growth phase of her PLC and had thus caught Shivaji’s attention.

So Shivaji and Aurangzeb (dutifully) followed the good cop, bad cop routine with The Buffer taking care of Magneto. An excerpt of their role play is given below:

Shivaji (conversational gambit): So Hot Potato, which is your hometown?
Hot Potato: I hail from the Western parts of India
Aurangzeb: So does that mean you’re a West Indian? Your accent would certainly qualify you for one (in an undertone)
Shivaji: Don’t listen to him; he’s just pissed off at something
Aurangzeb: Yeah, so pissed off that I need to find a loo to drain my ….umm…. anger
Shivaji: Anyways, so what are your hobbies and stuff?
Hot Potato: Oh I love to make new friends and I love dancing too
Aurangzeb: Yeah, we noticed that in the last party, Magneto nearly got a heart attack seeing you shaking your booty
Hot Potato: What???
Shivaji: He just meant that we also noticed that you dance very well in the last party (glaring at Aurangzeb)

At this point, Shivaji very quickly realized that Aurangzeb while trying to enact the bad cop routine was taking things too far and was actually playing nasty cop. And hence he jumped straight to the question he was dying to ask before Aurangzeb messed up everything.

Shivaji: Hot Potato, do you have a boyfriend?
Hot Potato: Yes
Shivaji: What!!! I don’t believe you. What’s his name?
Hot Potato: Vangirappu Madhusudhan. I call him Vangs.
Aurangzeb: What kind of a name is Vangirappu Madhusudhan? Sounds positively gay…..and Im not referring to the happy kinds here

Let’s not get into what happened next in this particular dialogue. But this admission by Hot Potato led to much consternation in The Conqueror’s camp. They would realize much later that this was a non existent boy friend invented by Magneto for Hot Potato to keep her out of “harm’s way” so as to say. However they did not know it at that point of time. Hence, how now to overcome this new obstacle became the moot point of their discussion.

“Lets issue a supari in his name, we can all contribute from our Summer Internship monies” said Shivaji who used to always border on the theatrical.

“Let’s put up some pics of us grooving with her at a party on Orkut (FB wasn’t popular then) and get Vangs to bare his Fangs with jealousy” said Sambaji who was always enthu about these dancing interludes.

“Let’s get The Buffer up close and personal with Vangs and thus make her jealous” said Aurangzeb who always seemed to love such wacky ideas.

The Buffer, not liking the direction which the conversation was taking, had a rare moment of inspiration “Comrades, it should not be this hypothetical Vangs guy you should be worried about who is a zillion miles away. We need to focus on eliminating Magneto from the picture”.

And thus they started plotting Magneto’s downfall. After much brainstorming, SWOT analysis, putting on thinking hats and all that kind of management jargon, they finally firmed up the plan. Shivaji would invite Hot Potato and Magneto to an end of term party at one of their senior’s rooms in the boys hostel. There would be music and dancing and drinking and prancing ending up with Magneto getting edged out of the picture.

To ensure that things went as per plan, The Buffer would be strategically stationed to cut off Magneto from Hot Potato. Aurangzeb was in charge of manning the drinks counter to ensure that the booze flowed freely all around. Shivaji and Sambaji ofcourse were the boogie woogie guys. A few other “non threatening” guys and gals were also invited to camouflage their actual intent.

And the plan worked like a dream. The moment Magneto entered with Hot Potato, he was pounced upon by The Buffer who started irritating him with his non stop nonsense act. Shivaji and Sambaji pounced on Hot Potato and tried to separate her from Magneto by inviting her to the dance floor. Aurangzeb upped the ante with loud music from the makeshift DJ console and Patiala pegs to ensure that everybody was in high spirits.

But these Magneto’s are made of sterner stuff. He clung on to Hot Potato like a leech and just when The Conquerors were beginning to despair, Shivaji came up with a masterstroke. He offered Hot Potato a drink. Magneto opened his mouth to let the morons know that she did not drink………………but before he could utter a word, she had grabbed the glass and gulped down half the contents in one swallow.

Magneto was so shocked, he started resembling a goldfish in a water bowl, with his mouth opening and closing but no words coming out. He did not drink and had assumed till that moment that she did not too. Shivaji and Sambaji jumped for joy, joined her in doing a “bottoms up” of their drinks and rushed with her to the dance floor. They knew it was game, set, match to The Conquerors.

Seeing Magneto make a surreptitious exit a few moments later, The Buffer, duties done started pissing off The Knight with great gusto. Aurangzeb, who liked to get his fellow citizens drunk and then sit back and watch the fun, got busy doing exactly that.

They partied till dawn and then went to bed exhausted but satisfied. Afterall they had indeed managed to derail Magneto’s train!!!

Note:

1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.

2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 022: A Dictionary of Terminology

Sun Tzu wrote “The Art of War” which is said to be the definitive work on military strategies and tactics and has also been successfully applied to business and managerial situations.

P.G. Wodehouse gave insights into the behavior of “gentlemen” with his Code of the Woosters.

And most recently Barney Stinson gave us the “The Bro Code” which is the final authority on acceptable behavior between and among dudes.

While it is unlikely that the Conqueror’s had ever heard of these literary masterpieces (let alone read them) they had, over the course of their misadventures, evolved some terminologies of their own, some of which have been illustrated below:

1. Merger: This referred to a couple getting together on campus (with much heartburn caused to The Conqueror’s as it meant one target less to buffer). For eg. Madame and Ladykiller.

2. Acquisition: The end result in mind with which Shivaji and Sambaji set out to conquer new lands. Or conquering conquered lands as in the case of Aurangzeb.

3. Hostile Takeover: This was a manoeuvre which had to be employed whenever the intended target was also the object of affection from a competitor and the acquisition had to be completed despite all obstacles set up by the competitor. Case in point: Madame doing a hostile takeover of Ladykiller despite the best efforts of Femme Fatale.

4. Cost Benefit Analysis: The Conquerors had adapted this economic theory to measure the viability of doing an acquisition. In layman terms it meant that if the perceived effort required to land a target was greater than the perceived benefits, it did not make sense to attempt that acquisition.

5. NPA (Non Performing Asset): This occurred when a perceived asset, post acquisition started behaving more like a liability and immediate measures were needed to get it off the books and reduce exposure. For eg. Hot Potato.

6. First Mover Advantage: This was generally gained by those who took the lead in forming online groups and setting up junior senior meets to gain mileage with fresher chicks before they had even landed on campus. The Conquerors unfortunately never quite managed to get in on this. They were more of the Late Entrant variety.

7. Late Entrants: The Conquerors always believed that it paid off to be Late Entrants in the game (laziness also played a big part in this), as by the time the chicks came on campus, they would have got fed up with an overdose of the First Movers and would then be susceptible to their novelty value and charms.

8. Product Positioning: Positioning of the product (target) played a key role in determining whether an acquisition was to be attempted. A product positioned in the high end segment would entail a lot of expenditure as wining and dining would have to be done keeping her profile in mind. An entry level product on the other hand might not have been worth their efforts. Hence optimum positioning was what they usually went in for.

9. Product Life Cycle (PLC): The perceived popularity/ hotness/ rating of a chick on campus had four stages in her PLC.

a. Introduction: When she started getting noticed around campus.
b. Growth: When all the First Movers, Late Entrants and other Nonentities jostled and vied for her attentions, thus shooting up her popularity sky high.
c. Maturity: When consolidation and reduction due to cut throat competition left only a few hardy survivors battling on.
d. Decline: When she became part of a merger resulting in the rest of the suitors doing a disappearing act.

10. Operations Support: Read Wingman/ Buffer

11. Due Diligence: A term patented by The Consultant. He believed that it was essential to do a background check on a potential target through common sources before hitting on a chick. This helped in keeping up the conversion rate.

12. Friendly Fire: When two members of the same team/ group ended up competing for the attentions of the same chick thus leading to operational issues. Eg. Shivaji and Sambaji on numerous occasions.

13. Cluster Bombing: This was the code by which Shivaji lived his life. The funda was simple. If you hit on every chick in sight, by the Law of Averages, you would end up scoring with atleast one.

14. The Diversion Trick: This was a method employed by The Conquerors whenever they did not want to share some information with all and sundry or to create a diversion from an embarrassing topic which had suddenly sprung up. Sambaji used to generally create a diversion by referring to any convenient object on hand: tubelights, salt and pepper shakers, the weather – all came in handy. Aurangzeb on the other hand used a simple one liner to distract nosy chicks “You’re looking so hot tonight” and it generally did the trick.

Note:
1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.
2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 021: Femme Fatale

Femme Fatale: A femme fatale is a mysterious and seductive woman whose charms ensnare her lovers in bonds of irresistible desire, often leading them into compromising, dangerous, and deadly situations.

Source: Wikipedia

Femme Fatale (introduced in RR – 012: Of Hot Potatoes and Doomed Capers – Part II) was, as the name suggested, quite ensnaring. She was of medium height, had a good figure and was an excellent dancer. But the ensnaring stuff was more to do with her persona rather than her physical attributes. The trick was in making her intended target feel that he was the most important person for her in the world. She could charm a stray dog into wearing a leash so as to say - and in a way, that’s what she usually managed to do.

The Conquerors only came into contact sporadically with her during the course of their adventures, but that little was enough to make them quite wary of her……well, some of them atleast. Their first brush with her came through Ladykiller. As mentioned earlier, his strategy to woo chicks was to study with the guys and then teach the girls. And so, before Ladykiller and Madame became “friends”, Femme Fatale, Sidekick 1 and Sidekick 2 used to hang out a lot in Ladykiller, Aurangzeb and The Consultant’s room (during assignment solving times atleast). This used to make Aurangzeb and The Consultant most uncomfortable and hence they used to go and take “shelter” so as to say with Sambaji and The Buffer in their room.

And these attentions of Femme Fatale were most definitely not appreciated by Madame as she was also vying for Ladykiller at that point of time. As a result, there were some not so nice vibes between Madame and Femme Fatale and all this reached boiling point when they had gone out clubbing one Saturday night. Madame, Femme Fatale, Shivaji, Sambaji, The Buffer and The Knight were all in attendance.

Madame was in a hot black backless number, while Femme Fatale had gone in for a red, off the shoulder one. And the competiton started as soon as they hit the dance floor. First, Madame did the salsa with Ladykiller. But just as they finished, Femme Fatale grabbed him and did the tango with him. They glared at each other, snide remarks were passed, but round 1 had ended even stevens.

They then tried the jealousy route in round 2. Madame danced with Shivaji and Sambaji, Femme Fatale with The Buffer and The Knight. This, they hoped, would evoke latent pangs of jealousy in him.

Ladykiller at that point was confused……………..and rightly so!!! He found himself torn between choosing from the frying pan and the fire. The game at this point was very much in the balance but just when it seemed that things would end up in a tie, Madame acted. Madame ofcourse was a past master at dealing with fatal femme’s and when her competitor had gone to use the powder room (to reapply the facial ministrations which had worn a bit thin due to her physical exertions) she took Ladykiller outside on the pretext of a smoke and what she did thence has been a mystery till date but from that point of time he was confused no more. He repeatedly and continuously gave Femme Fatale the cold shoulder till she gave up (grudgingly ofcourse).

Their next brush with her came during one of the many Saturday nights that they used to go out partying. The Conquerors had invited Gengis Khan and Mel B to go out clubbing with them. But Gengis (who had a roving eye to put it delicately) somehow managed to ensure that Mel B did not come along and instead managed to get Femme Fatale and Sidekick 1 with him. And enroute to the party, Shivaji and Gengis managed to detach themselves from the main pack(with the chicks ofcourse) and reach an alternate party scene much to Sambaji’s dismay. They ofcourse had a very good time there but claimed to have had temporary amnesia whenever quizzed about it later on by the others. But Sambaji had his revenge the next day when he “innocently” asked Mel B about her whereabouts of the previous night and in return conveyed theirs and then sat back and enjoyed the firing that she gave her lesser half.

Their final brush with Femme Fatale came during something known as the “Committee Selection Week”. As mentioned previously, there were a lot of Clubs in LLM (La La Land of Management for the uninitiated). Everybody used to vie to be on the Committee of these Clubs. Why? Not because it was a paid position. But because of the fact that it was just one more thing to put in your CV and gas about in the interview when the corporates came calling.

Femme Fatale was assessing her options before the selections started. The Marketing Club was out as Madame was on it. Mel B had ensured that Gengis would not be able to select her into the Party Club. Finance was beyond the realm of her sensibilities and The Humanly Resourceful Club did not have any guys on it that she could charm into selecting her. That left only one club in the reckoning. And that was The Ops Club. And it had MAC (Moron with A hot Chick) on it. Now, as the name suggests, MAC was a rather obscure personality, redeemed only by the fact that he had a hot girlfriend. And so, thought Femme Fatale, here was a very good opportunity to show MAC that the grass was greener on the other side.

The entire college had gone for a beach party on one of the many beaches dotting the landscape in La La Land. And for those who have led a sheltered life, let me tell you that beaches, booze and babes is a very dangerous combination indeed. As MAC was soon to find out. He had had a few too many jolly ones and upon hitting the dance floor for the umpteenth time (minus the gf this time) was pounced upon by Femme Fatale. And yes, she followed the salsa, tango routine again with the cha cha cha thrown in for good measure.

MAC was floored. Not by the dancing skills exhibited by Femme Fatale but due to a lusty blow smack in the face from his furious girlfriend, who promptly dragged him home from the party. Ladykiller was shell shocked. Had he backed the wrong…….ummm…..filly in this particular race he wondered? Shivaji and Sambaji sat agape. They were hoping that she would take the jealousy route again to woo MAC with them as props in it.

What happened next???

Unfortunately for Femme Fatale, she did not manage to get onto the committee of any of the clubs due to the above mentioned misdeeds and misdemeanours. She did however manage to ensnare Gassy (who could spew marketing jargon like the fumes emitted by a poorly combusted lorry) and went off the market shortly. Gassy, needless to say, was in an eminent position in college and had hence attracted interest from Femme Fatale.

Ladykiller and Madame became very close “friends” leading to future scandals like the one with the crashing clock among others.

Gengis and Mel split up leading to Mel starting to hang out with The Conquerors (who always welcomed any form of company with open arms provided it was of the fairer sex).

MAC and his girlfriend managed to kiss and make up post the furore created by Femme Fatale (aided by much groveling and begging on the part of MAC)

Aurangzeb and The Consultant were finally able to get back to their room and live happily ever after (well, not for long, as Madame soon landed up there)

The Conquerors, led ably by Shivaji and Sambaji, started immediately plotting on acquiring their next target.

Note:

1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.

2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 020: Of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - Part III

When Dwarf 3 entered the fray:

Midway through the first year’s course, The Party Club (whose KRA was obviously to organize parties and outings for the entire college) organized a trek to a waterfall located somewhere in the heart of La La Land. Shivaji, who had been roped into organizing the trek, came and broke the news to The Conquerors.

The Buffer groaned. He had eaten himself badly out of shape to go off on such jaunts. Sambaji sighed. He had even started going to the bar opposite the college on his bike of late. Aurangzeb was worried, would they be able to get back in time to finish their assignment for the next day’s lecture he wondered.

At this point, Shivaji got really pissed off with all of them. “Don’t behave like sissies” he said. “Just imagine: blue skies, a gentle breeze, flowing water, peaceful surroundings……………………..and ninety chicks accompanying us!!! If even one of them twist’s their ankle by accident, we will be on the spot to play good Samaritans and win the day”

While not wanting to calculate the probability of Shivaji’s fantasy coming true, The Conquerors, free spirits that they were, all got ready for this arduous trip. They got up at the crack of dawn, did their morning routine of pushups, crunches and the ten kilometer jog and were the first one’s to reach the bus………well not quite…….lets just suffice it to say that they all just managed to get onboard before it left them behind.

And so, off got down from the bus, Shivaji, Sambaji, The Buffer, Aurangzeb, The Knight, Ladykiller and The Consultant. The Organising Committee addressed the not so jolly group of trekkers and informed them that their destination was a mere five kilometer ascent. Sambaji immediately sat down. “I think I’ve sprained my ankle” he said. Shivaji gave him a kick and said “Buddy, the good samaritan part is applicable only to the chicks, so lets go”.

After a half hour of panting, groaning and falling over rocks, creepers and muck, they finally stopped to catch their breath. And it was then that The Knight spotted something out of the ordinary. “Who’s that hanging around Snow White?” he said. That’s when the rest of them saw ‘The Saint’.

So let’s go back a little and introduce The Saint. The Saint, unlike the legendary character of Simon Templar as created by Leslie Charteris was no Robin Hood who liked to steal from the greedy and give it to the needy. In fact, he was quite the opposite. He was extremely religious (hence the name) and used to get up every morning and after having a bath (which was not that common on campus) faithfully recite the Hanuman Chalisa without fail. His life revolved around Finance. Bonds, LC’s, P/E ratios, Escrow accounts, you name it and he would provide information about it by the hatful. But he had strictly sworn himself off the fairer sex. Mind over…………..errr………..matter, and all that kind of stuff.

Hence, seeing him with Snow White caused an even greater flutter in The Conqueror’s camp. “Let’s close in on them and try to figure out what’s happening” suggested Shivaji. And so forgetting all about sprained ankles, rocks, creepers and muck, they quickly closed in on their target and started eavesdropping on their conversation. The right motivation can indeed work wonders!!!

The Saint was reciting a “financial shayari” for Snow White and it went somewhat like this:

Bin bole tumhare dil ki RTGS mere dil tak pahunch jati hai

LC (Letter of Credit) mein dooriyan bhi mit jati hai

bas aisehi mujhe tumhare Escrow Account mein samhaye rakhna

P/E (Pyaar to Enmity) ratio ka ye karava hamesha banaye rakhna…

“What’s this ‘crow’ this fellow is referring to?” asked a puzzled Shivaji. “The one whose droppings are S shaped in nature” wisecracked Aurangzeb. “Shhh” scolded The Knight who was trying to figure out what all this was leading to.

“Wow, that’s some heavy duty shayari dude” said Snow White. “Thanks” said The Saint. “It’s come about because of the two great inspirations of my life, Mirza Ghalib and Finance. Would you care for some more?”

“Ummm………………well……………..I would love to but I think my group is calling me” saying which Snow White managed to get away.

“Where the hell did this guy come from?” thundered The Buffer. “I think I might be able to throw some light on this” said Aurangzeb. A couple of days back, when Aurangzeb, Snow White and their group had been trying to solve their Finance Assignment, they had come across some difficulty in interpreting all the financial mumbo jumbo. Someone in the group had suggested that they meet with The Saint and get some gyaan from him. As he was reputed to be concise and to the point while explaining such stuff, they hoped to get back in double quick time and finish off the assignment quickly. However, he seemed to take an interminably long time to explain the basic fundas to them, not helped by the fact that he wanted to take a coffee break in between and quote Mirza Ghalib. This irritated Aurangzeb no end, as it caused him to miss a crucial Champions League match in which his favourite team was participating.

“Well, I guess it’s pretty clear” said Sambaji. “We have another dwarf in the making”. This statement caused all The Conquerors to rub their hands in glee. Why? Not because they were gay. But because of the fact that they had seen a look of longing in Snow White’s eyes when The Saint was reciting Mirza Ghalib to her. That look which indicated a desire to strangle him till he could Mirza no more.

And the moment when he became the third dwarf wasn’t very far away. In fact it occurred the very next day.

Snow White was just exiting the girl’s hostel when she found The Saint lying in wait for her. “Could I have a word with you in private Show White” asked The Saint. “Not if it’s about Mirza’s” said a horrified Snow White. “While Im sure that these shayari have their finer points, I have failed to quite find out what they are as yet”. “No, no it’s not about that” said The Saint hurriedly. And then he went on to explain his feelings for her.

“Remember the shayari I recited to you during the trek?” asked The Saint. “Not really” said Snow White. “Well, anyways, I composed that keeping you in mind” said The Saint. “We can create a whole new Financial System together. You can be the “drawee” and I will be the “drawer” and I shall keep writing you passionate cheques for all eternity”

Snow White took a moment to digest this overdose of financial terminology. But as seen earlier too, she could be sarcastically witty when she wanted to. So she said “Im sure that you would love to be the “drawer” but since your escrow account has defaulted on your payment, I deeply regret to inform you that your cheque has bounced!!!” saying which she walked away leaving a stunned Dwarf behind.

To be continued………

Note:
1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.
2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 018: Of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - Part I

As can be made out from the title, this is a story which has been plagiarised from the famous Grimms Brothers fairytale.

In the original fairytale, Snow White stumbled on to the Seven Dwarfs. But in La la Land, where exceptions were the norm, it was the Dwarfs who stumbled on to Snow White one by one and thus got anointed so.

So once upon a time in La La Land, there was Snow White (Baby Spice, introduced in story RR - 009, titled Mission B). She lived a life of happiness and contentment, making friends across the campus, doing assignments with Aurangzeb and hanging out with B Company. Everything was hunky dory till one day the dwarf’s started making their appearance.

Enter Dwarf 1:
Dwarf 1 was Techtosterone (introduced in story RR - 009, titled Mission B). As mentioned previously, tech was his forte. He could live tech, eat tech and breathe tech and did so quite happily.He came from someplace down south and like all the hordes of South Indians, he simblyy adored Rajni Sir, right down to trimming his moustache exactly like him. His motto in life was “Losers say Rajni-cant, winners say …….. errr …....Rajni-can”. Anyway, Techtosterone was in the same project group as Snow White and it was in his interactions with her through the many case studies and assignments that they did together that one fine day he realized that he was very attracted to her. This was perhaps because they were quite opposite to each other in almost every sense. Where he was serious, she was humourous. Where he was bland, she was saucy. And where he was techy and geeky and generally kept himself to himself, she was quite a social and gregarious personality. But what had to be done, had to be done. So after planning and thinking and rethinking things through for a month, he finally summoned up the courage to make his feelings known to her.

After their group had met for a discussion, he managed to get her away alone for a moment on the pretext of some project group and the conversation went somewhat like this:

Techtosterone: Have you heard of Newton’s Laws of Motion?

Snow White: Yes. Vaguely. He invented them after eating apples right?

Techtosterone: Well, not quite, but anyways, do you know the first law of motion?

Snow White: An apple a day, keeps the doctor away?

Techtosterone: “What???” in a shocked voice.

Snow White: Just kidding buddy. I don’t quite remember it at the moment

Techtosterone: Every object continues to remain in a state of rest or uniform motion until the time it is acted upon by an external force

Snow White: So?

Techtosterone: I am the object and you are the external force

Snow White: Eh?

Techtosterone: Ok forget that. Do you know Newton’s third law of motion?

Snow White: Im sure you won’t rest till you tell me, so fire away

Techtosterone: For ever action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I am the action and you are the reaction.

Snow White (quite smartly): Are you proposing to me Mr. Techtosterone?

Techtosterone: Well…..ummm….actually….the thing is that….you see……..errr……well dash it, yes!!!

Snow White: You chump, can’t you ever think beyond tech stuff?

Techtosterone (eagerly): So should I deduce that to be a yes?

Snow White: Well, not quite, but I have an equation for you. X+Y = 0. You are X and I am Y.

Saying which, she walked away leaving Techtosterone scratching his head and trying to figure out what exactly had gone wrong.

To be continued………

Note:

1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.
2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.