RR - 023: When Shivaji and Sambaji derailed Magneto's train

The Magneto in X-Men was the central villain of the story with the ability to generate and control magnetic fields. The Magneto of LLM was also the central villain on campus, but this is where any similarities ended. He had the unique ability to attract chicks in hordes and this caused much envy and gnashing of teeth among the rest of the less gifted mortals (read Shivaji and Sambaji)

Where they huffed and puffed in their efforts for acquisitions and the odd hostile takeover, Magneto seemed to simply charm his way into effortless buyouts.

And one of their first experiences of his power came midway through their first term. Shivaji, The Buffer, Aurangzeb, Magneto and Hot Potato had gone out for lunch to one of the beaches in La La Land. Shivaji had initially engineered the lunch only with Hot Potato but at the last moment, much to his dismay, had realized that Magneto had managed to wriggle his way in. He had then had to call up reinforcements (read operations support) in the form of the aforementioned twosome. Their roles were well defined. The Buffer was to obviously buffer Magneto. Aurangzeb was to play bad cop to Shivaji’s good cop while grilling hot potato (pun intended).

Now Hot Potato lived by the motto of “Variety is the Spice of Life” and thus had the tendency to change social groups with alarming frequency. Where one day she would be spotted hanging out with B Company, the next day it was Magneto and sometimes even with those from God’s own country. Anyway, Hot Potato was at that point of time in the Growth phase of her PLC and had thus caught Shivaji’s attention.

So Shivaji and Aurangzeb (dutifully) followed the good cop, bad cop routine with The Buffer taking care of Magneto. An excerpt of their role play is given below:

Shivaji (conversational gambit): So Hot Potato, which is your hometown?
Hot Potato: I hail from the Western parts of India
Aurangzeb: So does that mean you’re a West Indian? Your accent would certainly qualify you for one (in an undertone)
Shivaji: Don’t listen to him; he’s just pissed off at something
Aurangzeb: Yeah, so pissed off that I need to find a loo to drain my ….umm…. anger
Shivaji: Anyways, so what are your hobbies and stuff?
Hot Potato: Oh I love to make new friends and I love dancing too
Aurangzeb: Yeah, we noticed that in the last party, Magneto nearly got a heart attack seeing you shaking your booty
Hot Potato: What???
Shivaji: He just meant that we also noticed that you dance very well in the last party (glaring at Aurangzeb)

At this point, Shivaji very quickly realized that Aurangzeb while trying to enact the bad cop routine was taking things too far and was actually playing nasty cop. And hence he jumped straight to the question he was dying to ask before Aurangzeb messed up everything.

Shivaji: Hot Potato, do you have a boyfriend?
Hot Potato: Yes
Shivaji: What!!! I don’t believe you. What’s his name?
Hot Potato: Vangirappu Madhusudhan. I call him Vangs.
Aurangzeb: What kind of a name is Vangirappu Madhusudhan? Sounds positively gay…..and Im not referring to the happy kinds here

Let’s not get into what happened next in this particular dialogue. But this admission by Hot Potato led to much consternation in The Conqueror’s camp. They would realize much later that this was a non existent boy friend invented by Magneto for Hot Potato to keep her out of “harm’s way” so as to say. However they did not know it at that point of time. Hence, how now to overcome this new obstacle became the moot point of their discussion.

“Lets issue a supari in his name, we can all contribute from our Summer Internship monies” said Shivaji who used to always border on the theatrical.

“Let’s put up some pics of us grooving with her at a party on Orkut (FB wasn’t popular then) and get Vangs to bare his Fangs with jealousy” said Sambaji who was always enthu about these dancing interludes.

“Let’s get The Buffer up close and personal with Vangs and thus make her jealous” said Aurangzeb who always seemed to love such wacky ideas.

The Buffer, not liking the direction which the conversation was taking, had a rare moment of inspiration “Comrades, it should not be this hypothetical Vangs guy you should be worried about who is a zillion miles away. We need to focus on eliminating Magneto from the picture”.

And thus they started plotting Magneto’s downfall. After much brainstorming, SWOT analysis, putting on thinking hats and all that kind of management jargon, they finally firmed up the plan. Shivaji would invite Hot Potato and Magneto to an end of term party at one of their senior’s rooms in the boys hostel. There would be music and dancing and drinking and prancing ending up with Magneto getting edged out of the picture.

To ensure that things went as per plan, The Buffer would be strategically stationed to cut off Magneto from Hot Potato. Aurangzeb was in charge of manning the drinks counter to ensure that the booze flowed freely all around. Shivaji and Sambaji ofcourse were the boogie woogie guys. A few other “non threatening” guys and gals were also invited to camouflage their actual intent.

And the plan worked like a dream. The moment Magneto entered with Hot Potato, he was pounced upon by The Buffer who started irritating him with his non stop nonsense act. Shivaji and Sambaji pounced on Hot Potato and tried to separate her from Magneto by inviting her to the dance floor. Aurangzeb upped the ante with loud music from the makeshift DJ console and Patiala pegs to ensure that everybody was in high spirits.

But these Magneto’s are made of sterner stuff. He clung on to Hot Potato like a leech and just when The Conquerors were beginning to despair, Shivaji came up with a masterstroke. He offered Hot Potato a drink. Magneto opened his mouth to let the morons know that she did not drink………………but before he could utter a word, she had grabbed the glass and gulped down half the contents in one swallow.

Magneto was so shocked, he started resembling a goldfish in a water bowl, with his mouth opening and closing but no words coming out. He did not drink and had assumed till that moment that she did not too. Shivaji and Sambaji jumped for joy, joined her in doing a “bottoms up” of their drinks and rushed with her to the dance floor. They knew it was game, set, match to The Conquerors.

Seeing Magneto make a surreptitious exit a few moments later, The Buffer, duties done started pissing off The Knight with great gusto. Aurangzeb, who liked to get his fellow citizens drunk and then sit back and watch the fun, got busy doing exactly that.

They partied till dawn and then went to bed exhausted but satisfied. Afterall they had indeed managed to derail Magneto’s train!!!

Note:

1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.

2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 022: A Dictionary of Terminology

Sun Tzu wrote “The Art of War” which is said to be the definitive work on military strategies and tactics and has also been successfully applied to business and managerial situations.

P.G. Wodehouse gave insights into the behavior of “gentlemen” with his Code of the Woosters.

And most recently Barney Stinson gave us the “The Bro Code” which is the final authority on acceptable behavior between and among dudes.

While it is unlikely that the Conqueror’s had ever heard of these literary masterpieces (let alone read them) they had, over the course of their misadventures, evolved some terminologies of their own, some of which have been illustrated below:

1. Merger: This referred to a couple getting together on campus (with much heartburn caused to The Conqueror’s as it meant one target less to buffer). For eg. Madame and Ladykiller.

2. Acquisition: The end result in mind with which Shivaji and Sambaji set out to conquer new lands. Or conquering conquered lands as in the case of Aurangzeb.

3. Hostile Takeover: This was a manoeuvre which had to be employed whenever the intended target was also the object of affection from a competitor and the acquisition had to be completed despite all obstacles set up by the competitor. Case in point: Madame doing a hostile takeover of Ladykiller despite the best efforts of Femme Fatale.

4. Cost Benefit Analysis: The Conquerors had adapted this economic theory to measure the viability of doing an acquisition. In layman terms it meant that if the perceived effort required to land a target was greater than the perceived benefits, it did not make sense to attempt that acquisition.

5. NPA (Non Performing Asset): This occurred when a perceived asset, post acquisition started behaving more like a liability and immediate measures were needed to get it off the books and reduce exposure. For eg. Hot Potato.

6. First Mover Advantage: This was generally gained by those who took the lead in forming online groups and setting up junior senior meets to gain mileage with fresher chicks before they had even landed on campus. The Conquerors unfortunately never quite managed to get in on this. They were more of the Late Entrant variety.

7. Late Entrants: The Conquerors always believed that it paid off to be Late Entrants in the game (laziness also played a big part in this), as by the time the chicks came on campus, they would have got fed up with an overdose of the First Movers and would then be susceptible to their novelty value and charms.

8. Product Positioning: Positioning of the product (target) played a key role in determining whether an acquisition was to be attempted. A product positioned in the high end segment would entail a lot of expenditure as wining and dining would have to be done keeping her profile in mind. An entry level product on the other hand might not have been worth their efforts. Hence optimum positioning was what they usually went in for.

9. Product Life Cycle (PLC): The perceived popularity/ hotness/ rating of a chick on campus had four stages in her PLC.

a. Introduction: When she started getting noticed around campus.
b. Growth: When all the First Movers, Late Entrants and other Nonentities jostled and vied for her attentions, thus shooting up her popularity sky high.
c. Maturity: When consolidation and reduction due to cut throat competition left only a few hardy survivors battling on.
d. Decline: When she became part of a merger resulting in the rest of the suitors doing a disappearing act.

10. Operations Support: Read Wingman/ Buffer

11. Due Diligence: A term patented by The Consultant. He believed that it was essential to do a background check on a potential target through common sources before hitting on a chick. This helped in keeping up the conversion rate.

12. Friendly Fire: When two members of the same team/ group ended up competing for the attentions of the same chick thus leading to operational issues. Eg. Shivaji and Sambaji on numerous occasions.

13. Cluster Bombing: This was the code by which Shivaji lived his life. The funda was simple. If you hit on every chick in sight, by the Law of Averages, you would end up scoring with atleast one.

14. The Diversion Trick: This was a method employed by The Conquerors whenever they did not want to share some information with all and sundry or to create a diversion from an embarrassing topic which had suddenly sprung up. Sambaji used to generally create a diversion by referring to any convenient object on hand: tubelights, salt and pepper shakers, the weather – all came in handy. Aurangzeb on the other hand used a simple one liner to distract nosy chicks “You’re looking so hot tonight” and it generally did the trick.

Note:
1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.
2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 021: Femme Fatale

Femme Fatale: A femme fatale is a mysterious and seductive woman whose charms ensnare her lovers in bonds of irresistible desire, often leading them into compromising, dangerous, and deadly situations.

Source: Wikipedia

Femme Fatale (introduced in RR – 012: Of Hot Potatoes and Doomed Capers – Part II) was, as the name suggested, quite ensnaring. She was of medium height, had a good figure and was an excellent dancer. But the ensnaring stuff was more to do with her persona rather than her physical attributes. The trick was in making her intended target feel that he was the most important person for her in the world. She could charm a stray dog into wearing a leash so as to say - and in a way, that’s what she usually managed to do.

The Conquerors only came into contact sporadically with her during the course of their adventures, but that little was enough to make them quite wary of her……well, some of them atleast. Their first brush with her came through Ladykiller. As mentioned earlier, his strategy to woo chicks was to study with the guys and then teach the girls. And so, before Ladykiller and Madame became “friends”, Femme Fatale, Sidekick 1 and Sidekick 2 used to hang out a lot in Ladykiller, Aurangzeb and The Consultant’s room (during assignment solving times atleast). This used to make Aurangzeb and The Consultant most uncomfortable and hence they used to go and take “shelter” so as to say with Sambaji and The Buffer in their room.

And these attentions of Femme Fatale were most definitely not appreciated by Madame as she was also vying for Ladykiller at that point of time. As a result, there were some not so nice vibes between Madame and Femme Fatale and all this reached boiling point when they had gone out clubbing one Saturday night. Madame, Femme Fatale, Shivaji, Sambaji, The Buffer and The Knight were all in attendance.

Madame was in a hot black backless number, while Femme Fatale had gone in for a red, off the shoulder one. And the competiton started as soon as they hit the dance floor. First, Madame did the salsa with Ladykiller. But just as they finished, Femme Fatale grabbed him and did the tango with him. They glared at each other, snide remarks were passed, but round 1 had ended even stevens.

They then tried the jealousy route in round 2. Madame danced with Shivaji and Sambaji, Femme Fatale with The Buffer and The Knight. This, they hoped, would evoke latent pangs of jealousy in him.

Ladykiller at that point was confused……………..and rightly so!!! He found himself torn between choosing from the frying pan and the fire. The game at this point was very much in the balance but just when it seemed that things would end up in a tie, Madame acted. Madame ofcourse was a past master at dealing with fatal femme’s and when her competitor had gone to use the powder room (to reapply the facial ministrations which had worn a bit thin due to her physical exertions) she took Ladykiller outside on the pretext of a smoke and what she did thence has been a mystery till date but from that point of time he was confused no more. He repeatedly and continuously gave Femme Fatale the cold shoulder till she gave up (grudgingly ofcourse).

Their next brush with her came during one of the many Saturday nights that they used to go out partying. The Conquerors had invited Gengis Khan and Mel B to go out clubbing with them. But Gengis (who had a roving eye to put it delicately) somehow managed to ensure that Mel B did not come along and instead managed to get Femme Fatale and Sidekick 1 with him. And enroute to the party, Shivaji and Gengis managed to detach themselves from the main pack(with the chicks ofcourse) and reach an alternate party scene much to Sambaji’s dismay. They ofcourse had a very good time there but claimed to have had temporary amnesia whenever quizzed about it later on by the others. But Sambaji had his revenge the next day when he “innocently” asked Mel B about her whereabouts of the previous night and in return conveyed theirs and then sat back and enjoyed the firing that she gave her lesser half.

Their final brush with Femme Fatale came during something known as the “Committee Selection Week”. As mentioned previously, there were a lot of Clubs in LLM (La La Land of Management for the uninitiated). Everybody used to vie to be on the Committee of these Clubs. Why? Not because it was a paid position. But because of the fact that it was just one more thing to put in your CV and gas about in the interview when the corporates came calling.

Femme Fatale was assessing her options before the selections started. The Marketing Club was out as Madame was on it. Mel B had ensured that Gengis would not be able to select her into the Party Club. Finance was beyond the realm of her sensibilities and The Humanly Resourceful Club did not have any guys on it that she could charm into selecting her. That left only one club in the reckoning. And that was The Ops Club. And it had MAC (Moron with A hot Chick) on it. Now, as the name suggests, MAC was a rather obscure personality, redeemed only by the fact that he had a hot girlfriend. And so, thought Femme Fatale, here was a very good opportunity to show MAC that the grass was greener on the other side.

The entire college had gone for a beach party on one of the many beaches dotting the landscape in La La Land. And for those who have led a sheltered life, let me tell you that beaches, booze and babes is a very dangerous combination indeed. As MAC was soon to find out. He had had a few too many jolly ones and upon hitting the dance floor for the umpteenth time (minus the gf this time) was pounced upon by Femme Fatale. And yes, she followed the salsa, tango routine again with the cha cha cha thrown in for good measure.

MAC was floored. Not by the dancing skills exhibited by Femme Fatale but due to a lusty blow smack in the face from his furious girlfriend, who promptly dragged him home from the party. Ladykiller was shell shocked. Had he backed the wrong…….ummm…..filly in this particular race he wondered? Shivaji and Sambaji sat agape. They were hoping that she would take the jealousy route again to woo MAC with them as props in it.

What happened next???

Unfortunately for Femme Fatale, she did not manage to get onto the committee of any of the clubs due to the above mentioned misdeeds and misdemeanours. She did however manage to ensnare Gassy (who could spew marketing jargon like the fumes emitted by a poorly combusted lorry) and went off the market shortly. Gassy, needless to say, was in an eminent position in college and had hence attracted interest from Femme Fatale.

Ladykiller and Madame became very close “friends” leading to future scandals like the one with the crashing clock among others.

Gengis and Mel split up leading to Mel starting to hang out with The Conquerors (who always welcomed any form of company with open arms provided it was of the fairer sex).

MAC and his girlfriend managed to kiss and make up post the furore created by Femme Fatale (aided by much groveling and begging on the part of MAC)

Aurangzeb and The Consultant were finally able to get back to their room and live happily ever after (well, not for long, as Madame soon landed up there)

The Conquerors, led ably by Shivaji and Sambaji, started immediately plotting on acquiring their next target.

Note:

1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.

2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 020: Of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - Part III

When Dwarf 3 entered the fray:

Midway through the first year’s course, The Party Club (whose KRA was obviously to organize parties and outings for the entire college) organized a trek to a waterfall located somewhere in the heart of La La Land. Shivaji, who had been roped into organizing the trek, came and broke the news to The Conquerors.

The Buffer groaned. He had eaten himself badly out of shape to go off on such jaunts. Sambaji sighed. He had even started going to the bar opposite the college on his bike of late. Aurangzeb was worried, would they be able to get back in time to finish their assignment for the next day’s lecture he wondered.

At this point, Shivaji got really pissed off with all of them. “Don’t behave like sissies” he said. “Just imagine: blue skies, a gentle breeze, flowing water, peaceful surroundings……………………..and ninety chicks accompanying us!!! If even one of them twist’s their ankle by accident, we will be on the spot to play good Samaritans and win the day”

While not wanting to calculate the probability of Shivaji’s fantasy coming true, The Conquerors, free spirits that they were, all got ready for this arduous trip. They got up at the crack of dawn, did their morning routine of pushups, crunches and the ten kilometer jog and were the first one’s to reach the bus………well not quite…….lets just suffice it to say that they all just managed to get onboard before it left them behind.

And so, off got down from the bus, Shivaji, Sambaji, The Buffer, Aurangzeb, The Knight, Ladykiller and The Consultant. The Organising Committee addressed the not so jolly group of trekkers and informed them that their destination was a mere five kilometer ascent. Sambaji immediately sat down. “I think I’ve sprained my ankle” he said. Shivaji gave him a kick and said “Buddy, the good samaritan part is applicable only to the chicks, so lets go”.

After a half hour of panting, groaning and falling over rocks, creepers and muck, they finally stopped to catch their breath. And it was then that The Knight spotted something out of the ordinary. “Who’s that hanging around Snow White?” he said. That’s when the rest of them saw ‘The Saint’.

So let’s go back a little and introduce The Saint. The Saint, unlike the legendary character of Simon Templar as created by Leslie Charteris was no Robin Hood who liked to steal from the greedy and give it to the needy. In fact, he was quite the opposite. He was extremely religious (hence the name) and used to get up every morning and after having a bath (which was not that common on campus) faithfully recite the Hanuman Chalisa without fail. His life revolved around Finance. Bonds, LC’s, P/E ratios, Escrow accounts, you name it and he would provide information about it by the hatful. But he had strictly sworn himself off the fairer sex. Mind over…………..errr………..matter, and all that kind of stuff.

Hence, seeing him with Snow White caused an even greater flutter in The Conqueror’s camp. “Let’s close in on them and try to figure out what’s happening” suggested Shivaji. And so forgetting all about sprained ankles, rocks, creepers and muck, they quickly closed in on their target and started eavesdropping on their conversation. The right motivation can indeed work wonders!!!

The Saint was reciting a “financial shayari” for Snow White and it went somewhat like this:

Bin bole tumhare dil ki RTGS mere dil tak pahunch jati hai

LC (Letter of Credit) mein dooriyan bhi mit jati hai

bas aisehi mujhe tumhare Escrow Account mein samhaye rakhna

P/E (Pyaar to Enmity) ratio ka ye karava hamesha banaye rakhna…

“What’s this ‘crow’ this fellow is referring to?” asked a puzzled Shivaji. “The one whose droppings are S shaped in nature” wisecracked Aurangzeb. “Shhh” scolded The Knight who was trying to figure out what all this was leading to.

“Wow, that’s some heavy duty shayari dude” said Snow White. “Thanks” said The Saint. “It’s come about because of the two great inspirations of my life, Mirza Ghalib and Finance. Would you care for some more?”

“Ummm………………well……………..I would love to but I think my group is calling me” saying which Snow White managed to get away.

“Where the hell did this guy come from?” thundered The Buffer. “I think I might be able to throw some light on this” said Aurangzeb. A couple of days back, when Aurangzeb, Snow White and their group had been trying to solve their Finance Assignment, they had come across some difficulty in interpreting all the financial mumbo jumbo. Someone in the group had suggested that they meet with The Saint and get some gyaan from him. As he was reputed to be concise and to the point while explaining such stuff, they hoped to get back in double quick time and finish off the assignment quickly. However, he seemed to take an interminably long time to explain the basic fundas to them, not helped by the fact that he wanted to take a coffee break in between and quote Mirza Ghalib. This irritated Aurangzeb no end, as it caused him to miss a crucial Champions League match in which his favourite team was participating.

“Well, I guess it’s pretty clear” said Sambaji. “We have another dwarf in the making”. This statement caused all The Conquerors to rub their hands in glee. Why? Not because they were gay. But because of the fact that they had seen a look of longing in Snow White’s eyes when The Saint was reciting Mirza Ghalib to her. That look which indicated a desire to strangle him till he could Mirza no more.

And the moment when he became the third dwarf wasn’t very far away. In fact it occurred the very next day.

Snow White was just exiting the girl’s hostel when she found The Saint lying in wait for her. “Could I have a word with you in private Show White” asked The Saint. “Not if it’s about Mirza’s” said a horrified Snow White. “While Im sure that these shayari have their finer points, I have failed to quite find out what they are as yet”. “No, no it’s not about that” said The Saint hurriedly. And then he went on to explain his feelings for her.

“Remember the shayari I recited to you during the trek?” asked The Saint. “Not really” said Snow White. “Well, anyways, I composed that keeping you in mind” said The Saint. “We can create a whole new Financial System together. You can be the “drawee” and I will be the “drawer” and I shall keep writing you passionate cheques for all eternity”

Snow White took a moment to digest this overdose of financial terminology. But as seen earlier too, she could be sarcastically witty when she wanted to. So she said “Im sure that you would love to be the “drawer” but since your escrow account has defaulted on your payment, I deeply regret to inform you that your cheque has bounced!!!” saying which she walked away leaving a stunned Dwarf behind.

To be continued………

Note:
1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.
2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 018: Of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - Part I

As can be made out from the title, this is a story which has been plagiarised from the famous Grimms Brothers fairytale.

In the original fairytale, Snow White stumbled on to the Seven Dwarfs. But in La la Land, where exceptions were the norm, it was the Dwarfs who stumbled on to Snow White one by one and thus got anointed so.

So once upon a time in La La Land, there was Snow White (Baby Spice, introduced in story RR - 009, titled Mission B). She lived a life of happiness and contentment, making friends across the campus, doing assignments with Aurangzeb and hanging out with B Company. Everything was hunky dory till one day the dwarf’s started making their appearance.

Enter Dwarf 1:
Dwarf 1 was Techtosterone (introduced in story RR - 009, titled Mission B). As mentioned previously, tech was his forte. He could live tech, eat tech and breathe tech and did so quite happily.He came from someplace down south and like all the hordes of South Indians, he simblyy adored Rajni Sir, right down to trimming his moustache exactly like him. His motto in life was “Losers say Rajni-cant, winners say …….. errr …....Rajni-can”. Anyway, Techtosterone was in the same project group as Snow White and it was in his interactions with her through the many case studies and assignments that they did together that one fine day he realized that he was very attracted to her. This was perhaps because they were quite opposite to each other in almost every sense. Where he was serious, she was humourous. Where he was bland, she was saucy. And where he was techy and geeky and generally kept himself to himself, she was quite a social and gregarious personality. But what had to be done, had to be done. So after planning and thinking and rethinking things through for a month, he finally summoned up the courage to make his feelings known to her.

After their group had met for a discussion, he managed to get her away alone for a moment on the pretext of some project group and the conversation went somewhat like this:

Techtosterone: Have you heard of Newton’s Laws of Motion?

Snow White: Yes. Vaguely. He invented them after eating apples right?

Techtosterone: Well, not quite, but anyways, do you know the first law of motion?

Snow White: An apple a day, keeps the doctor away?

Techtosterone: “What???” in a shocked voice.

Snow White: Just kidding buddy. I don’t quite remember it at the moment

Techtosterone: Every object continues to remain in a state of rest or uniform motion until the time it is acted upon by an external force

Snow White: So?

Techtosterone: I am the object and you are the external force

Snow White: Eh?

Techtosterone: Ok forget that. Do you know Newton’s third law of motion?

Snow White: Im sure you won’t rest till you tell me, so fire away

Techtosterone: For ever action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I am the action and you are the reaction.

Snow White (quite smartly): Are you proposing to me Mr. Techtosterone?

Techtosterone: Well…..ummm….actually….the thing is that….you see……..errr……well dash it, yes!!!

Snow White: You chump, can’t you ever think beyond tech stuff?

Techtosterone (eagerly): So should I deduce that to be a yes?

Snow White: Well, not quite, but I have an equation for you. X+Y = 0. You are X and I am Y.

Saying which, she walked away leaving Techtosterone scratching his head and trying to figure out what exactly had gone wrong.

To be continued………

Note:

1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any, is purely coincidental.
2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 016: The Story of the Crashing Clock

This was an incident which occurred in the second term of the Conqueror’s course at LLM. Shivaji, Sambaji, The Buffer, Aurangzeb, The Knight, Ladykiller and The Consultant had all come together in Term 1 and started hanging out and having their misadventures. And this had continued into Term 2 as well. Towards the fag end of Term 1, Madame Dominatricia (hereafter referred to as Madame) had deigned to grace them with her presence.

A little bit of background about Madame before proceeding with the narrative. Madame was a senior of the Conquerors. As happens a lot in B Schools, she had found a lesser half to hang out with in her first year, but had subsequently had a fallout in the summer and now was looking out for pastures afresh. And this particular pasture was as green as it could get with a plethora of options.

1.Shivaji: If she had wanted him, she would have had him (obviously!!!)
2.Sambaji: Among other things he was an excellent dancer and she loved dancing.
3.The Buffer: He was gossipy, talkative and extremely garrulous. If she had wanted a girlfriend, she would have had to look no further.
4.Aurangzeb: He had a great sense of humour, but the fact that he had lived a sheltered life went against him.
5.The Knight: He was of the “still waters run deep” variety.
6.Ladykiller: he fit the bill perfectly
7.The Consultant: naah

So, Madame had taken control of proceedings in the room where Ladykiller, The Consultant and Aurangzeb resided. And it was ofcourse frequented by Shivaji, Sambaji, The Knight and The Buffer. The house rules as set by Madame included cleanliness, stocking of food and drink items, arty drawings on the wall (as drawn by her), buntings, lights and other decorative stuff during festivals to name a few. The Consultant hated all this. How dare she come and try to dominate their bachelor pad he thought. But he kept it mostly to himself. Aurangzeb was least bothered by the House Rules. As far as he was concerned, they did not apply to his corner of the room. Ladykiller absolutely loved it all and egged her on to get more creative. Anything would do, as long as he managed to win her attention.

Madame obviously had zeroed in on Ladykiller as he was the most receptive to her arty inclinations and also because of the fact that he volunteered to “help” her out with assignments, took her out for wining and dining whenever she desired and was also good at the “go fetch” game.

The “go fetch” game went somewhat like this:

Ladykiller, would you please go fetch some samosas for me.
Ladykiller, would you please go fetch me some tea, now that’s a dear
Ladykiller, I need you to go fetch me a Xerox of my assignment, like right now!!!

Savvy???

So, as the term progressed, Madame started hanging out more and more with Ladykiller and they had reached that grey area where they were “just friends” and everyone else apart from them knew that they were a so called “item”. And it was one night, during this phase when the story of the crashing clock occurred.

Aurangzeb was feeling quite unwell that night and had gone to bed early. He was down with a viral and thought it best to rest and recuperate. When he went to bed, at around 11 pm, all the lights were on, The Consultant was busy fiddling with his laptop and Ladykiller was nowhere to be seen. He woke up somewhere around 3 am, groggy and disoriented, vaguely aware of some noises in the room, but not quite able to comprehend what they were.

A lot of factors including the ravages of time have contributed to there being many versions of what followed next being narrated:

Aurangzeb’s Version:

Not quite able to make out the noises emanating from the other corner of the room, he got up from his bed and in trying to reach out for his spectacles which he had kept above the cupboard adjoining his bed, his hand brushed against his alarm clock which crashed to the floor and shattered. All the noises stopped immediately. He then switched on the lights and could make out two huddled shapes under the blankets on Ladykiller’s bed. Ladykiller immediately appeared from underneath the blankets and pretended to have no knowledge of the noises. While never quite sighting the second shape, Aurangzeb feeling extremely annoyed with his roommate for putting materialistic pleasures above his ill health, walked out of the room, issuing a fatwa against Madame. While drinking several glasses of water at the water cooler and trying to cool down, he was joined by The Consultant, who claimed that he had been fast asleep and had been awakened after Aurangzeb had switched on the lights. On returning back to the room after a suitable interval, they both found it to be empty and thus went back to sleep.

The Consultant’s Version:

The Consultant had gone to bed at around 1 am. He had woken up slightly before Aurangzeb and hearing the noises, had not quite known how to react and thus pretended to feign sleep. At first, he had assumed that Ladykiller and Madame had been studying under the blankets so as to not disturb the others. But he had soon realized that this was not the case. And, while trying to go back to sleep, he had heard a loud crashing sound in the darkness and then Aurangzeb had put on the lights, issued the fatwa and walked out of the room. While still deciding whether to continue playing dead to the world or waking up, he had seen Madame creeping out of the blankets, leaving the room in a huff and Ladykiller closely following while trying to pacify her.

Ladykiller’s Version:

Ladykiller had returned to the room at around 2 am with Madame after going for a stroll along the banks of the river adjoining the college. He had found both The Consultant and Aurangzeb fast asleep and not wanting to disturb them had switched off the lights. Madame and he had then started discussing a case study that she had to present the next morning. However, as she was feeling cold, they had continued the discussion under the blankets and the noises that his roommates had heard was a heated debate on the formatting to be used in the presentation – she had been for Garamond whereas he was insisting on Tahoma, taking the aesthetic aspects of the presentation into consideration.

Sambaji and The Buffer’s Version:

Sambaji and The Buffer had been taking a stroll around campus at 3 am to help digest the heavy dinner they had partaken at midnight. On the way, they strolled through the corridor housing the three roommates, hoping that they might have been awake. However, just as they were about to knock on their door, there was a loud crashing sound (which they later learnt was Aurangzeb throwing his alarm clock at Madame), the door opened suddenly, and Madame ran out of the room in her birthday suit with the Alarm Clock clutched strategically.

Shivaji and The Knight’s Version:

Shivaji and The Knight had been smoking outside the boy’s hostel at 3 am. But just as they were about to call it a night, they heard a loud crashing sound emanating from Aurangzeb’s room. Shivaji believed that it was gunshot, whereas The Knight was trying to convince him that this could not be the case. But before they could verify the truth, they saw an upset Madame walking hurridly out of the hostel with Ladykiller in hot pursuit. Fearing the worst, they ran inside the hostel and on entering the room found it to be empty except for two indistinct shapes on Ladykiller’s bed under the blankets. Hoping against hope for their two comrade’s safety, they pulled back the covers, only to be shocked at finding a startled Hot Potato and Femme Fatale under the covers.

Whichever the true version of the story, after this particular incident, Madame reduced her dominance of their room and the House Rules considerably and they all lived happily ever after (atleast Aurangzeb and The Consultant did)

Note:

1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any is purely coincidental.
2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.

RR - 015: The Marijuana Incident

It was a clear, pleasant night. The stars were bright in the sky. There was a full moon etc etc. But the Conquerors were not seeing any of this. Why? Because they were busy slogging on their Marketing Assignment. The deadline was 9 am the next morning. And procrastrination had lead to them starting it at 11 pm the previous night. And when you were in the project group with the conquerors, doing assignments was not an easy task.

A typical pattern would be as follows:

Sambaji would have made some preparations for the assignment before the group met (imagine that !!!) based on some notes in class and some diligent reading of the case study material. But this superficial good student behaviour had an ulterior motive. He usually dozed off at 1 am sharp................case study solved or not !!!

Aurangzeb aspired to be the "Brain" of the group. So he loved to argue out and thrash over the minutest of details of case studies thus taking hours for a case study which should have needed minutes to solve.

The Knight used to be the partner in crime of Aurangzeb in these case studies. He too loved to argue over stuff. He would have loved to be The Espionage Agent but sadly lacked the assets needed for that particular job profile. So he had to settle for the wannabe "Brain" role with Aurangzeb.

Ladykiller was the anti Espionage Agent. He would carefully listen to all the discussions which Sambaji, Aurangzeb and The Knight had (before 1 am) and those which Aurangzeb and The Knight had (post 1 am) and leak out the salient points to the Lady Espionage Agents of other groups hoping that this would lead him to Nirvana.

And finally there was The Consultant. He was The Formatter. And an awesome one at that. He would usually pay no attention to the group when the case study was being debated but would spring to life after the discussions ended (usually at 3 am) and would leave the rest blinking in disbelief when the matter was presented the next day.

So coming back to the night in question. The aforementioned characters were struggling through their case study when The Knight suddenly got a call at around 1 am. It was IWPAF. Universal Soldier had been put behind bars by the cops and they needed his help urgently.

Now The Conquerors while into Buffering, Cluster Bombing and lots of other such mundane stuff were nice guys at the end of it all. They loved to play Good Samaritans (maybe they thought it would help score some brownie points with the right audience). Hence, as soon as they got this SOS, The Knight and Shivaji hopped on to their respective rides with Aurangzeb riding pillion behind The Knight. They soon reached the station imprisioning Universal Soldier and while IWPAF directed The Knight into the Station JLo started narrating the how, where and why.

For those not in the know, Jlo was ofcourse famous for her magnificient derriere. She had come under the radar of Shivaji and Sambaji on the first day of college itself but they had not had much of a chance to work their theories on her as she had started dating IWPAF a few days into college. Here, thought Shivaji was his big chance to go one up on Sambaji.

Jlo leaned against the car, gave a sigh (in unison with Shivaji and Aurangzeb) and narrated her story as follows:

Looking at the clear, pleasant night, the bright stars, the full moon etc etc, unlike the Conquerors who were wrestling with their assignment, Universal Soldier, IWPAF and herself decided to go out for dinner. After tossing down quite a few ones, the merry trio decided to go for a drive. And some way into the drive, Universal Soldier saw something irrestible: a traffic cone. So he stopped the car, got down, picked up the cone, put it into the back seat much to JLo's astonishment (or so she said), got back in and started driving again. However, this was a trap. Hardly had they gone a few kilometers, than a siren sounded behind them and the cops started chasing them. Apparently, she said, they had been hunting for these very traffic cone stealers.

"Ahh" exclaimed Aurangzeb. "That explains it !!!

On getting a puzzled glance from Jlo and Shivaji, he started narrating the incident.

Two days before, when Aurangzeb woke up in the morning and decided to have some lunch (yes morning was past 12) he found a gleaming traffic cone in the corridor outside his room. And Universal Soldier playing policeman. He was making their juniors pass from only one side of the cone and deriving great amusement out of it. The day before, when he woke up again in time for lunch, he found a second gleaming cone beside the first and Universal Soldier cackling with glee. And this morning he had found the third of the trio.

"Ahh" exclaimed JLo and Shivaji, getting Aurangzeb's drift.

At this point, JLo continued her narration. Hearing the wailing siren behind them, Universal Soldier stomped on the accelerator and tried to out run the cops. However, these were not like the stereotypical Hindi film cops who were always outwitted by the crooks. They had another vehicle coming from the opposite direction and soon sandwiched Universal Soldier & Co. On being asked to get out of the car, Universal Soldier tried to muscle his was through and as a result was soon cooling his heels behind bars.

Now, Shivaji was a great believer of the "Strike when the iron is hot" theory. So he said:

Dont you worry my dear,
We will have him out in a jiffy, dont ye fear,
But you look on the verge of a tear,
Let me take you to the comfort of a bar quite near

Aurangzeb pretended not to have heard these very cheesy lines. He was now getting eager to rescue Universal Soldier, get done with this ridiculous situation and get back to their assignment. And it seemed that JLo had definitely not heard it. There was something much more important on her mind.

She took a step towards Shivaji, looked deep into his eyes and said in a husky voice "There has been something I have been meaning to tell you for quite some time now"
"Tell me" said Shivaji eagerly taking a step towards her, thinking this was the moment he had been bombing for ages now.
"There is some marijuana in the car" she said.
"Eh?" said Shivaji, jumping two steps backward

Aurangzeb and he looked at each other dumbfounded. They did not know whether to laugh or cry. It was as if gravity had pulled her brains into her famed backside. She had narrated the nights incidents for the better part of half an hour with illicit stuff in a car parked within the premises of a Police Station. Quite unbelievable !!!

The next few moments passed by in a flash. Shivaji quickly took the offending stuff out of the vehicle and got rid of it. The Knight managed to free Universal Soldier. And Aurangzeb managed to get them back to campus in time to complete their assignment.

And they lived to buffer another day.



Note:
1. All characters are fictional. Resemblance, if any is purely coincidental.
2. Kindly refer the opening post on Buffering Theories for any reference to the main characters.